Thoughts from the past week

Believe it or not the week Grace was in the NICU I actually had some thoughts other than "breathe in/breathe out", "chew, chew, swallow", and "left then right then left...". Some were profound, others not so much but I thought I'd share nonetheless.

-- there is nothing that makes a person feel so insignificant as a life-changing event. Think about it: our liminal life moments are only liminal for us, and perhaps our loved ones. When we turn 16 and are able to drive, how many of us returned to school only to realize that other than our small group of friends the hundreds of other people filling the hallways couldn't have cared less? Or on our wedding days, walking into the honeymoon destination only to realize that other than the people who are paid to pretend like they care, the majority of those around are oblivious and some prefer it that way? The same holds true with the birth of a baby -- our lives changed forever with the birth of each baby and yet when we were discharged we quickly found out that bank teller, the food service worker, the retailer didn't know or much cared that we had been changed so dramatically. It's a rather humbling experience really...

-- It never fails when I enter Babies 'R Us in need of one tiny thing (tiny but ridiculously necessary in my initial efforts to coax a preemie to nurse) I find myself stuck in the check-out line behind a soon-to-be-new-mommy with a CART LOAD of baby paraphernalia. Even more a guarantee, the mommy will inevitably be on a budget but will have failed to take note of the cost of ANYTHING as she threw it in her cart. So I (and the line of 17384 people behind me) have to wait as each item is scanned and then debated with an uninterested dad-to-be. Meanwhile, I secretly worry that if my toe-tapping gets any more vigorous I might strike oil in the ground beneath me. (Okay, so this only happened twice...but seriously -- twice in 9 days is a bit much).

-- Most people (me included) are basically incapable of handling emotion seen in others that varies from the happy spectrum. Consider our socially acceptable answers to introductory questions like "How are you?" and "what have you been up to?" We generally respond with "Fine", "Okay" "doing well" and "not much". I know the week Grace was in the NICU I responded EXACTLY the same way. Why? Because I knew that to respond "I'm miserable and sad, worried about my daughter" would make most people uncomfortable. I blame this on our cultural climate -- our western-ness if you will. We aren't comfortable sharing those emotions and are consequently are uncomfortable when confronted by those emotions in others.

-- La Madeline has some of the yummiest breakfast around. I would know -- I ate it several times in the past week since it's across the street from the hospital.