I've done a lot of that lately -- crying out loud. Sometimes it's quiet, baby cries usually because the noise of life has quieted and my thoughts and fears and "what-ifs" race in and overwhelm me. And sometimes, like yesterday, it's giant body-shaking sobs, the product of nothing short of heartbreak. Yes, it seems tears are in abundance these days. And yes, it's usually adoption related, although not always my adoption.
I weep daily for sweet little Ugandan angels as I witness their stories thousands of miles away through the writing of another adopting mom. I weep often when I read of others who really get the emotions that I often don't have the ability to express.
But the loudest cries seem to come alone, with no tears, emanating from a deep space within. They don't come often, fortunately. Last night they came though. When the phone rang again with the promise of our new little ones only to bring news that we'd lost them. Again. For the third time. Three times now we've been called and three times now we've opened home and hearts and three times now we've been left without. It hurts friends, I'm not going to lie.
But I know I'll survive; we will survive. And while I may not understand the journey, may be confused by the route, I know that this ride was Divinely appointed. I want it to end that way; it would be such a shame to begin a journey with Divine intervention only to end it with human short-sightedness. And so we'll continue to prepare, continue to pray. We'll continue to open our home and our hearts. We'll continue to wait all the while trying to enjoy the journey.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Our new favorite snack
Snack time: it's evil, at least around our house. Daily my lovely and messy offspring and I lock in a battle of wills. They want bowls-full and hands-full of animal crackers, goldfish and the like. I want them to snack on yummy good-for-them apples (I even bribe with caramel dip), carrots (with a smidgen of ranch or hummus), yogurt or cheese sticks. And we stand at an impasse. Yes I could just not buy the other things -- but seriously, have you met me? And no those things aren't that bad, but considering my kids other nutritional choices I like to get bang for my buck whenever I can. All this means I'm ever searching for the perfect snack -- one that's healthy and nutritionally positive that also won't my kids gag (have you ever watched one of them try to swallow broccoli??).
Recently this search has pushed me into the organic side of food. I'm jumping on that bandwagon a bit late, I know.
As a side note: I'm still not "into" organic. I have reasons why I purchase organic and reasons why I really dislike the entire label but those are sure to start a firestorm of debate that I frankly don't care to engage in, so I'll leave them out of this particular post.
In venturing to the organic side of things, I happened to stumble on the latest Pearson snack craze. Grammy Sammys and Jammy Sammys.
These little gems are perfect snack-sized goodness -- full of whole grains and organic, good-for-you yogurt or fruit spread. I originally found these at Hubbell and Hudson (my fave market...ever) in The Woodlands but I've since found them at my local Babies R Us. Made by Revolution Foods, these snacky-delights, at $3.29 for a 5-pack, are a bit more expensive than a traditional snack. But again -- I'm after a nutritional bang for my buck and these definitely meet that need. In a long line of tried-and-failed nutritious snacks, my Sammy friends are here to stay!
Recently this search has pushed me into the organic side of food. I'm jumping on that bandwagon a bit late, I know.
As a side note: I'm still not "into" organic. I have reasons why I purchase organic and reasons why I really dislike the entire label but those are sure to start a firestorm of debate that I frankly don't care to engage in, so I'll leave them out of this particular post.
In venturing to the organic side of things, I happened to stumble on the latest Pearson snack craze. Grammy Sammys and Jammy Sammys.
These little gems are perfect snack-sized goodness -- full of whole grains and organic, good-for-you yogurt or fruit spread. I originally found these at Hubbell and Hudson (my fave market...ever) in The Woodlands but I've since found them at my local Babies R Us. Made by Revolution Foods, these snacky-delights, at $3.29 for a 5-pack, are a bit more expensive than a traditional snack. But again -- I'm after a nutritional bang for my buck and these definitely meet that need. In a long line of tried-and-failed nutritious snacks, my Sammy friends are here to stay!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Of babies, kidneys and waiting
These thoughts have been bouncing around in me for a while, unsteady and unsure of their exact formation. So uncertain of them am I that I've been tempted not to share them, to keep them locked away until certainty declared them done. I'm not sure what I was waiting on -- some thought-turkey-timer device to pop or some feelings-oven-timer to ring. But no timer will ring so here we go, just thoughts, perhaps unready but hopefully follow-able.
Waiting seems to be the theme of the last half of 2010. And not always good waiting. Technically I suppose each of the things we've waited on are good but to get them we are waiting for bad.
We're waiting on babies. Our yet to be known but soon to be home babies. December 10th found us with signed license in hand. The license that's now proudly displayed in all it's framed glory declaring we are ready for babies. And now, January 2nd, we are still waiting. We came close once, receiving a call for two little ones. Only to have a call rescinding the placement. And so we wait, with baited breath. My heart jumps into my throat every time the phone rings. I've never been more irritated with solicitors ever. The awkward part of our waiting is knowing that to get our precious ones we are waiting for someone to hurt them or neglect them or to abandon them. In waiting for the good we are also waiting for the bad. As each day passes I grow more and more weary of the wait.
And while we are waiting for new life, my dad waits for a new life too. This summer found Daddy on the transplant list for a kidney. He's been a trooper the last 6 months dealing with dialysis and surgeries and endless doctor appointments. And all the while he waits for a kidney. While a living donor is best the transplant list is often made up of deceased donors. As our family waits for the good news of a new kidney we know that we are possibly waiting for another family to have their worst day. I can't imagine the bone-weariness that my parents must be experiencing as they walk this road.
I've never been too terribly good at waiting. Truthfully I'm not sure if I've ever understood the idea of really waiting. Not waiting on circumstance but waiting on the Lord. See we're told if we wait on the Lord we'll renew our strength. When we wait on circumstance we zap our strength and only when we wait on the Lord will we renew that strength. But that waiting on the Lord requires something of us -- waiting. As we've been waiting in all these things I can't help but think of Abraham and Sarah. Told they'd have a child, they waited and waited and waited. Until Sarah took matters into her own hands, until she forgot to wait on the Lord. What a mess she made! Waiting on the Lord requires a daily communion with Him, a constant communication with Him. Not a tapping of the toe arms crossed conversation each morning but genuine communion. Then will learning and leaning occur. Then will strength be renewed. Then will we mount up with wings as eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint. I haven't quite figured out waiting on the Lord yet.
With the birth of each of my babies has come a very specific lesson on the character of God and on my relationship with Him. I don't know why I expected our new babies to come with anything less. I suppose this time I'm learning about waiting and His timetables.
Waiting seems to be the theme of the last half of 2010. And not always good waiting. Technically I suppose each of the things we've waited on are good but to get them we are waiting for bad.
We're waiting on babies. Our yet to be known but soon to be home babies. December 10th found us with signed license in hand. The license that's now proudly displayed in all it's framed glory declaring we are ready for babies. And now, January 2nd, we are still waiting. We came close once, receiving a call for two little ones. Only to have a call rescinding the placement. And so we wait, with baited breath. My heart jumps into my throat every time the phone rings. I've never been more irritated with solicitors ever. The awkward part of our waiting is knowing that to get our precious ones we are waiting for someone to hurt them or neglect them or to abandon them. In waiting for the good we are also waiting for the bad. As each day passes I grow more and more weary of the wait.
And while we are waiting for new life, my dad waits for a new life too. This summer found Daddy on the transplant list for a kidney. He's been a trooper the last 6 months dealing with dialysis and surgeries and endless doctor appointments. And all the while he waits for a kidney. While a living donor is best the transplant list is often made up of deceased donors. As our family waits for the good news of a new kidney we know that we are possibly waiting for another family to have their worst day. I can't imagine the bone-weariness that my parents must be experiencing as they walk this road.
I've never been too terribly good at waiting. Truthfully I'm not sure if I've ever understood the idea of really waiting. Not waiting on circumstance but waiting on the Lord. See we're told if we wait on the Lord we'll renew our strength. When we wait on circumstance we zap our strength and only when we wait on the Lord will we renew that strength. But that waiting on the Lord requires something of us -- waiting. As we've been waiting in all these things I can't help but think of Abraham and Sarah. Told they'd have a child, they waited and waited and waited. Until Sarah took matters into her own hands, until she forgot to wait on the Lord. What a mess she made! Waiting on the Lord requires a daily communion with Him, a constant communication with Him. Not a tapping of the toe arms crossed conversation each morning but genuine communion. Then will learning and leaning occur. Then will strength be renewed. Then will we mount up with wings as eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint. I haven't quite figured out waiting on the Lord yet.
With the birth of each of my babies has come a very specific lesson on the character of God and on my relationship with Him. I don't know why I expected our new babies to come with anything less. I suppose this time I'm learning about waiting and His timetables.
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