Christmas Decorating

Hi, its jack. The first thing I did for christmas decorating.Was put up the lights. 1st my dad me and Sam raked the yard. Then we bagged the leafs and there were about 6 bags of leafs. Then dad put up the roof lights. Then me and Sam straightened the strands of lights. Took the stakes attached to the lights and stuck them in the ground. Inside we set up electronic stuffed animals that sing songs.We also set up advent on the wall. In advent we have a countdown with fun things to do inside. Then we hanged up our stockings. Then we put christmas snacks in jars. Then we put nativity scenes by the fireplace. Then we brought our tree inside. Then we put it on our stand,and put our lights on.Then we put the ornaments and candy canes on. The house looks nice.   MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Question answering

Hi, it's Jack.  The first question I will answer is from Ms. Amanda. She asked, "did you dress up for  halloween?" Yes I did. "What was your costume?" I was Willy from Duck Dynasty. My costume was hot but people liked it. The second question is from Ms. Meredith. She asked, "what was your favorite football moment?" I had 3 really good runs, 2 of them I almost made it to the 1st down line (50 yard line). The other one I was tripped right before the touchdown.  The last question I will answer is from my Gigi Ruby. She asked, "what is your new puppy's name?" My puppy's name is Waffles, he is a black Golden Doodle with gold on his paws and I would describe him naughty.  Thank you for the questions. I appreciate you reading my blog "That's all we have for today folks! "

A case for the celebration of Thanksgiving

I opened my inbox this morning to a flood of junk messages proclaiming Black Friday deals and Thanksgiving store hours.  A radio station here is already playing Christmas music.  And teaching about giving thanks on Thanksgiving to a bunch of kindergartners was a little difficult since 50% of them already had Christmas decor up at home.

So in this mad rush to Christmas, I think it best that a case be made to celebrate Thanksgiving.  True, the holiday is a nice opening ceremony to the Christmas season, but I'd argue that it has a bit more value than that.  And I know that other countries don't celebrate Thanksgiving and I know that our Thanksgiving has some questionable history in it's origins.  But I'm not sure any of that is a reason to skip this particular holiday.

Like I told my kindergartners, the purpose for the holiday is in it's name.  Thanksgiving -- to give thanks.  There is something to be said for a purposeful, intentional slowing of our lives with the sole goal of giving thanks.   I teach my children after all, say thank you prompting them throughout the day.
Naturally, the act of being thankful should be, ought to be, a daily, moment-by-moment act.  But the designation of a specific day to be thankful doesn't negate our daily thanks giving.  In the same way that celebrating a birthday doesn't negate the love we have for the person of honor but rather highlights, emphasizes that love, so too the celebration of thanks giving.

Here's why I love Thanksgiving.  It is the one holiday that doesn't pull on family to celebrate.  I don't have to juggle schedules and timetables; I don't have to worry about things being just so.  No one calls to ask about last minute gift ideas and I don't have to worry about making sure there is enough room in the car for all the loot.  The few days before Thanksgiving, I am able to spread out on my kitchen table all my beloved recipes and choose just the right ones for the celebrations. I spend time in my happy place, cooking with love for those I love.  And then on the day of celebration, all we do is spend time together.  We don't have a time table, other than a rough time for the meal to start.  There is no pretense, no fancy clothes or table linens.  Just good food, and lots of family.  So many opportunities to look around, in quiet or in cacophony, and give thanks. The kids aren't focused on themselves (any more than usual anyway).  They understand that the day is just to be thankful; in so many ways, is just to be. I always wish Thanksgiving was a multi-day celebration, wanting just one more day to just be, to sit and be thankful.

I think it's important to slow, pause, be thankful.  The season of advent starts a few days after Thanksgiving.  A time to purposefully prepare to celebrate the birth of Christ.  How better to start than by thanking the God of heaven.  To spend time doing nothing but being thankful.  Not asking for anything, not expecting anything.  Just saying thank you.  Just acknowledging that every thing is from above.

I started a thankful journal a while back. My goal was to get to 1000 things.  I never made it -- not because there aren't 1000 things but because the act of being always thankful is so contrary to our lives.  I keep returning to it, though.  Determined, committed to finding those 1000 things, to seeing my life through a lens of thanks.  I highly recommend you read 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp; let her lead you into thanksgiving.  Actually read it twice, as a review I read said, it's red meat -- give it some time to digest.

So this week, despite my mind already swirling with the demands of the holiday season, I'm going to purposefully pause, intentionally quiet and give thanks.  When the din of dinner is all around, I'm going to let me mouth be silent and offer a prayer of thanksgiving.  For the good, for the bad, for all.  Because from Him comes all because of nothing but love.  And for that I am forever thankful.

How I did in school after disney

Hi it's me Jack again. I had a hard time getting started on school, because I just got back from 8 days of          fun at disney. I forgot about some things while I was at disney. Some subjects were easy to start. Math was the hardest to get started on, because I forgot some fraction rules. I fought through all the forgotten things and, calmed down took a few deep breaths. I concentrated by looking closely, focused and used the things that weren't forgotten. Then things got easy; I was able to do school work; math turned out good and fractions went well.

Thankful things

Sitting at a picnic table in Mobile, Alabama...thinking of thankful things instead of Facebook things

-- soft breeze blowing across the water

-- in the shadow of the USS Alabama, reminder of others and their great sacrifice for me

-- stomp stomp of little girl feet

-- oohs and ahhhs of happy little boys, marveling at the size of it all

Test post

Trying out that app again. Let's see if it works this time. 

Apparently the app needs some work

I tried using the blogger app this weekend.  And did you see a new post Sunday?  Yeah me neither.  I'm going to try to work on it to see what I can find.  The whole post was about why I'm off Facebook and here more.  We'll see if I get around to re-writing it.  The condensed version?  I'm off Facebook because it was messing with my head.  I'm here now, trying to write more.  That is, if the app will cooperate.

Guest Blogger

Notice a short, random post from earlier today?  That was Jack, my new guest blogger.  It'll be a weekly thing, his posting.  For writing I'm having him compose weekly blog posts.  My rationale for this multi-faceted.  First, we live in a digital world and I want him to begin to learn to use the tools of that world.  Second, writing for an audience is always a good idea.  He won't get peer-reviews and such at home so this blog offers the next best thing.  YOU!

I will not be proofing his work before he posts it nor am I giving him any constraints regarding topic.  After each post, he and I will talk about conventions of writing and will discuss how to improve.  Obviously, if you read the last post you'll notice we'll need to work on cohesion and how to pick a main topic!

How can you help?  Comment! Ask questions, reply with your own thoughts. Don't worry about correcting him, that's my job as teacher.  But feedback from an audience is something I can manufacture here, which is why we need you! But remember, like too much correction can frustrate him, too much praise can do the same (especially if he realizes the praise is unwarranted or unequal to his ability).  The most important thing you can do is simply be real with him.  Comment if you are a commenter, don't if you aren't.  Comment if you have something to say, don't if you don't.

Hopefully we will see the growth of a writer through this process.  And if nothing else, at least there will be something new here weekly!

jack's week

I am going to Disney world in a week and I can't wait. Tonight is Halloween. On Saturday I have a
football game. I had guitar practice today. I have a new puppy.

Red Ribbon week wonderings

My facebook newsfeed is blowing up with pics of kids getting ready for Red Ribbon Week.  It's a week I remember well being a DARE graduate (DARE to keep a kid off drugs -- I can still sing the song). I've never really thought much about Red Ribbon Week other than the half-hearted acknowledgment that it keeps kids off drugs and all that.

Then something happened last week that has me wondering, does it actually work? We were on our way to Grace's gymnastics and rather than listening to KSBJ/AIR1/VBS preschool songs, I was actually listening to a classic rock station (stone me later).  Steve Miller Band's The Joker came on -- a song my kids have heard countless times.  The chorus came on and I was humming away when a little voice from the backseat said, "mom, what's a toker?" Uh oh.  I decided to handle the question head on and quite academically (read sans-jargon) like all questions of this nature.  I answered, "someone who smokes marijuana." Then Jack replied, "what's marijuana?"  It was at that moment I realized my son's first exposure to drugs was ME.  We can discuss all day whether or not that's the "appropriate" method.  It was the advent of Red Ribbon Week that got me thinking -- does Red Ribbon Week do the same thing for many of the public school kids who participate?

I'm not arguing that some kids are exposed to drugs early in life and would benefit from frequent and early messages of drug resistance.  But what about the other kids? In the name of prevention, are our schools the first "pushers" in our kids' lives?

This post isn't a warning against drug resistance education.  It's just something I've been wondering about today...any thoughts from reader-world?

Another one bites the dust

Curriculum that is...

We've thrown out IEW's Primary Arts of Language Reading and Writing.  I slogged through that for a semester with Jack before I threw it out.  I thought surely starting with a kindergartner rather than a first grader would be better so I hauled it back out with Sam.  9 weeks in and I'm tossing it out again.

I sooo wanted  this to work but after 9 weeks I can honestly say that it's not.  Sam isn't learning phonics rules and truthfully I think his reading is suffering (he was progressing better before we started this); he seems stunted.  So I'm chunking it out in favor of Explode the Code.  Grace is using the preschool version and I've been very impressed with what she's been able to learn with just a little instruction every other day.

Not one to wait around once a decision has been made, I postponed the start of school today and drove to Mardel to buy the books.  We started this morning; three pages in and I'm hooked.  So much success so early!! Hoping this does the trick!

And yes...I know I only talk about homeschool.  It's a safe topic around here while we still work through a lot of the mess the last 2.5 years made. I'll get deeper at some point!

Two weeks in review

Here's a shot of our homeschool room.  All my little ducks working hard.

After 2 weeks I can definitely find some positives and some negatives.  

Positives:

1. Rosetta Stone for Chinese.  In the pic, Jack is actually working on typing but he'd just finished Chinese.  He's already speaking in phrases and understands quite a bit of what he hears/reads.  I'm impressed. How much will he retain?  I don't know but he's definitely learning.

2. Rod and staff preschool for Grace.  Simple, basic.  She loves it.  She's my workbook kid so this fits the bill.

3.  Our word wall catepillar.  I started this with Sam (and realized while writing this I should've posted a pic).  He adds a "body" piece each time he learns a new sight word.  I found the idea here.
This has been the best motivator for that little boy. 

4.  Our morning routine.  I bought, from Teachers Pay Teachers, a booklet of morning work for Jack and Sam.  In the morning, the kiddos, independently (read -- without mom) say the pledges, recite a weekly memory verse, fill out "today, yesterday, tomorrow" and complete one page of morning work.  FABULOUS!  They love the independence; I love the last few minutes to finish my coffee or fold the laundry.  I also love that the morning pages provide simple review for skills that either I overlook or that could use a little enrichment or that don't require a lesson but still need a little practice (like rhyming or alphabetizing).


I love most of my curricula choices -- Tapestry of Grace is awesome; Jack is in love with Growing with Grammar; Kay Arthur's Bible study is tough but so rich. There are a few negatives though.


Negatives
1.  This biggest negative -- and this is a doozy in the homeschool world -- is science.  I just do NOT like Apologia.  I know, I know, I know. Everyone loves it.  It's great.  The best.  Blah, blah, blah.  I think it is soooooo boring.  Dry, dull, snooze fest.  And I like science.  So Apologia is on the cut list for next year.  It's like first round draft pick that just didn't pan out.  I paid too much money to not let it finish the year but I don't think I'll be renewing that contract.
2.  IEW's PAL.  This isn't a HUGE negative.  I actually think it's a fantastic curriculum.  Sam is learning a lot and his reading is improving with leaps and bounds.  BUT...it is very, very, very cut and paste heavy.  And Sam (just like Jack) is so done with cutting and pasting.  It's hard for a kid to learn if he hates the method of teaching.  I'm improvising and I think it will work but I don't like having to even do that.  This is the only year we will use IEW for Sam so I don't have to think too heavily about that choice.  And I'm pretty sure I'll use it with Grace -- although as much as she likes arts and crafts, she may love it -- turning that negative into a positive.
3.  Muzzy Spanish and our typing software are kinda stinky.  Muzzy is odd -- very short lessons but games that are too difficult.  The teaching seems incomplete.  The typing is just boring.  It takes too long to get to the games; it also presents this fantastic "island" to explore but then forces you to master one section before exploring another.  The kids are bit burnt out on that one.


Other than that our first two weeks have been a success.  Enrichment Fridays were a great idea, allowing the kiddos to either do something fun like Foam Dart Physics or to catch up on work from the week since we have so many doctor appointments with Sam.  If the first two weeks are any indication, I think we are looking at a great year!

Second week slump

It's official.  We've hit the second week slump. Maybe not all homeschooling families experience this, but we do, annually -- hence the actual name I've given it.

The first week of school is always rough for me.  The kids are uber-excited to get started and to learn new things and to crack open those books they've watched me collect all summer long.  Their excitement can be a bit exhausting, between the what-now's and the what's-next's and the can-I-just-do-a-little-more's, mama needs her space by the end of the day.  We spend the first week working and reworking order and routine and procedure back into our days.  Ex.haust.ing.

The second week is always rough for the kids.  Truth be told, the second week slump can actually last a month.  The second week is when they realize that school work is actually work.  The new has worn off the books, the lessons are no longer reviews, and the call to return to summertime play is louder than ever.  Yet mama-teacher insists that this work be done, daily.

So it's during the second week slump that I start to hear lots of agains, can'ts, don't-know-hows. The second week slump is when the tears begin to fall for minor reasons and a simple math mistake is cause for quite the temper tantrum.  It's usually during the second week slump that my math-minded kid forgets basic addition facts, making his pre-algebra almost impossible.  And it's during the second week slump that my blossoming reader forgets what letter his name starts with, the whole ordeal ending with tears because he insists it's an F.  And it's during the second week slump that my preschooler no longer sits contentedly and practices matching but decides to be a bit avant-garde in her definition of what color a watermelon is.

For me, the second week slump is hard because I don't want them to be miserable.  I like giving in to their wants.  It's also a bit hard because I start to look for reasons why the slump has started, which means I grow discontented with my less-than-fave parts of our curriculum...the curriculum I've spent all summer researching and procuring.  We're 3 days into this slump and I've already got plans to scrap things for next year.

The silver lining in the second week slump is that it begins with regularity and it always ends.  In about a month, the fog of the slump will disappear, giving way to the comfort of routine and consistency.  Here's to hoping this is a short slump!

A little venting about our medical team

I heard from Sam's rheumatologist today. Well, actually I heard from her nurse practitioner.  She passed us along to him after the first visit.  No diagnosis but not sick enough to warrant her time?  I don't know the reason for sure so I shouldn't speculate but it's hard not to think that might be the reason.

We just repeated bloodwork (for the 3rd time in 4 months) and a bone scan; all to re-check for malignancy (doctor speak for cancer).  I've mentioned before how tired I am of hearing the word "cancer" in Sam's medical visits.  We've checked for malignancy before and everything came back clean.  I guess because we have since ruled out arthritis we are returning to other possibilities to make sure nothing was missed.

Anyway, all the re-checks came back normal.  Now we are expected to re-do an MRI (pelvis and spine) to check for lesions and possible malignancy.  The best part of this is when the original MRI was done, a lesion was seen and deemed an undefined contusion, probably a bruise.  Now, that lesion is cause to re-scan.  I'm struggling to logic that one out.

We've also been referred to a neurologist to investigate possible nerve issues.  If the neurologist comes up empty, then it's on to a musculo-skeletal specialist and a urologist (an urologist? unsure of the proper article there...) to search for more, rare possibilities.

Here's where things begin to stick me a bit.  We are re-scanning for cancer -- kind of a big deal.  But since the newest round of testing was normal, and the upcoming scans are presumed to be normal (but still necessary?) we don't need to be seen by the rheumatologist until November.

So let's get that straight.  Son has been in pain for 15 months; we have no diagnosis; search for diagnosis leads to potential cancer diagnosis; quickly perform scans; no cancer found but kid still in pain; we don't need to see the doctor for 2-3 months despite not having a diagnosis.

Urrgggghhhh

I don't mean to complain.  I just need a place to purge all the things that rumble around in my brain. I'm grateful for the doctors; I'm grateful for the no-cancer diagnosis; I'm grateful that despite being in pain, my son is really healthy.  I'm just ready for some answers.

Random Thoughts -- Cooking fail

I like to cook and bake and do all things kitchen-y and I'm pretty good at it.  But every cook has an occasional mess up, a flub, a flop, a big ole ugly FAIL.  There are few things in life that make me as frustrated as a cooking fail.  Luke doesn't get it. I think to his science-bent brain even failures are an experiment from which to learn.  To me, it's just a fail.  And I hate to fail, avoiding it if all possible.  Neurotic much?

This week has seen two fails and I'm about ready to hang up my proverbial apron (not real because that would mean I'm a clean cook and nothing could be further from the truth).  Monday saw the dinner hour arrive with the chicken breasts still solidly frozen in the sink, despite being thawed all.day.long. (Just remembered to check the settings on the freezer, might be set a bit low...)  So we ate out and I sulked over my can't-remember-what-we-ate dinner.  Wednesday I tried a new recipe from Pinterest (failproof right?!?! wonk).  My pizza rolls turned into pizza scented hockey pucks. Knowing I make rockin' good cinnamon rolls, the fact that the pizza rolls failed just about ruined my night.  I soothed myself with some brownies...I won't mention how many.

I tried to explain my issues with kitchen failures to Luke.  Tried to compare it to him failing at his job.  He's sweet and reminded me that cooking gourmet food (ha! as if) is not actually my job, that it's much bigger than that.  It didn't do much to salve my wounds.

Now I'm gun shy about trying anything new again.  My goal tonight?  Get the spaghetti on the table. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Anyone else struggle with this?

2013-2014 Pearson Academy First Day of Class

It's that time again.  School has started!  We have a brand new school room now that the boys have been moved back upstairs. I'm hoping the new space will help a bit since all the furniture is more kid-sized and the littles now have a place to play out of ear shot of the Jack.  Here are the obligatory first day pics and the curriculum we're using this year. 

 This guy is in third grade.  Thank God for grades at church or I would forget half the time.  Between the varying levels he does in all the curriculum I can't keep up! This promises to be a challenging year for him -- he's reading 99 books in 36 weeks! And that's not including any "for fun" reading he may do!  This year Jack's curriculum is:

Math -- Singapore 4A&B, standards edition

Reading/Writing/History/Geography/Worldview -- Tapestry of Grace, Year 3, lower grammar level

Bible -- How to study your Bible for Kids by Kay Arthur

Grammar -- Growing with Grammar, level 3

Chinese -- Mandarin by Rosetta Stone

Typing -- Typing Instructor for Kids

Handwriting -- A Reason for Handwriting C

Science -- Apologia Flying Creatures of the Fifth Day

Not a lot of change from last year as far as publishers go. We just added in a few subjects.  And it wouldn't be the first day of school if I wasn't already wanting to change something...but that will wait for another time ;)

 This little man is officially in Kindergarten, although if you ask him he'll tell you he's in first grade.  Some of his curriculum is first grade work but some is Kinder.  We are actually using this year to see how he progresses.  If he flies through stuff like he seems bent on doing, this may actually count as his first grade year.  We don't want to rush him or push him but I can only pull back on those reigns so hard! Sam's curriculum this year includes:

Math -- Singapore 1A&B, standards edition

Reading/Writing -- Institute for Excellence in Writing's Primary Arts of Language

Bible -- ABC Jesus Loves me (a free online curriculum)

Science -- Apologia's Flying Creatures of the Fifth Day

Sight Words -- a whole mess of stuff I've gathered ;)

Typing -- Typing Instructor for Kids

Spanish -- Muzzy Online

Last but not least, Little Miss isn't schooling much at home.  But she was not about to be left out of the picture taking this morning!  Grace will attend preschool two days a week but that doesn't begin until September.  The other days of the week she will be working through some Rod and Staff preschool books, Get Ready for the Code A (prequel to Explode the Code), busy bags and art projects.  She's also going to spend quite a bit of time in mommy's lap reading books.  We are slowly introducing her to Spanish through Muzzy Online, but only because she asked.  The same is true of typing.  I don't expect her to type at all but perhaps it will help with letter recognition and she likes it.  If ever she decides she doesn't, it (and Spanish) are easy to leave out.

Our schedule this year will be a little different than in years past.  We are only schooling Monday, Wednesday and Thursday on the "traditional" subjects.  Tuesdays we will participate in a local coop where Sam will do some Five in a Row, and Jack will work on Texas History and Science of Simple Machines.  Fridays are for enrichment and we will work on Health (it's that time for Jack...sheesh!), science (experiments with dad, fun lessons like nerf gun physics, lego building, etc), and humanities (artist studies, composer studies, cooking lessons, etc).  I'm figuring that by the time it all gets added together, the days will count as a very full school year.  

All in all the first day went well.  We all struggled to get the cobwebs out and as Jack said, we needed to "figure out how to get [our] brains working again."  even mom! It's now lunchtime and the kids are all basically done with the boys finishing up some co-reading during quiet time.  I'll call it a GREAT first day!

Where I've been

Things are slowly returning to a new-old normal around here.  That's where I've been...trying to upturn my upside-down life.  We've moved the boys back into their room, moved the school room back where it was planned to be, moved thoughts of forever to thoughts of experience.  Truthfully though, we can clearly see that the move to a family of 5 is a good thing.  Our kids are adjusting well.  They no longer strive to be older than they are, no longer look to impress.  They are learning to play together again, something that hasn't happened in a year.  We've spoken with the girls and they are thriving in their new-old home.  They have reconnected with friends (something they hadn't managed to do the year they were here) and family.  They have sparkle in their voices and seem to be fitting in nicely.

Other than all things moving, I'm preparing for a new school year.  Again, this will look a bit differently than those before it.  Sam is excited to start -- he's insistent that he's in first grade. In some areas he is; in others, not so much.

I'm hoping to be on here more now.  There are plans for Jack to make appearances here as a guest writer so look forward to that!

Where the girls have gone

Posting information like this is so extremely impersonal but it's the fastest way to disseminate information quickly -- a quality born of a purely selfish desire to not have to tell everyone I see for the next month and beyond.

We were recently contacted by family members of May and Ana, and were informed that they have been searching for the girls even before they came to live with us.  It is their heartfelt desire that the girls return home to them.  After much prayer and deliberation, we decided to allow this transition.  Our hope in starting the adoption journey was to give a home and family to a child/children who have none.  It is apparent, after speaking with the family, that the girls have a very loving and very attentive family.  Reunification with the birth family, if safe, is always a better choice -- just not one we thought we'd have to make.

The girls left Monday.  We drove them home and were able to meet their family and see their home. It is full of love and memories and so much joy.  My girls have baby pictures again!

We desperately seek your prayers for our family.  This is hitting all 7 of us extremely hard.  My three little ones are losing siblings for the 3rd time in 2 years.  My girls are moving for the 3rd time in 18 months.  The forever family doesn't look like we thought it would anymore. We also ask that you respect the decision we've made, our request for privacy regarding the details left out here, and our need for healing.

Thank you for walking this journey with us.

The Limp Saga, part 2

I've posted before about Sam's limp. (Need the backstory?  You can read it here.)  Well the saga continues.

After a 6 month wait we FINALLY had an appointment with the rheumatologist.  Dr. DeGuzman is AMAZING!!  She did a thorough physical and took the most complete medical history of all time.  She wasn't phased at all that she saw Sam on a "good day" (meaning his limp was so incredibly minor it was difficult to appreciate it during exam). She had no doubt that we had seen him in much worse shape -- I didn't even have to pull out my phone to show her videos as proof!

The good news -- it doesn't appear to be muscular in nature.  Dr. DeGuzman honed in on the fact that I have Crohn's.  This, combined with that Sam has pain in his sacrum, has Dr. DeGuzman hunting for a particular genetic marker, hla b27.  Basically sacrum pain in kids as young as Sam is super-rare. The genetic marker we're looking for is seen in people who have a negative rheumatoid factor (which Sam has) but who have a particular type of arthritis (not gonna name it now b/c we don't need to start researching it until we know).  She also mentioned that his pain could be a precursor to Crohn's (which also shares the hla b27 gene).

Sacrum pain is difficult to examine because of the location (base of the spine).  Dr. DeGuzman said Sam's muscles reacted to the pain but she wants to see that joint better.  Soooo today we are heading to TCH-West Campus for an MRI.  While there she is also having his left foot scanned as well.  Remember the last bone scan?  And how we were told it showed he limped?  Yeah...apparently it was the wrong foot that showed that limp.  The bone scan shows blood flow in the bones.  If Sam had been favoring his right foot, his left would have shown an increase in blood flow.  But that's now how it worked out.  He was favoring his left and it was his left that showed an increase in blood flow.  Thankful Dr. DeGuzman caught that!  She examined his foot closely and found that he has mid-range pain.  What that means is this:  On the scan, there is a HUGE white spot on his left foot (showing the increased blood flow) in the middle.  When she stretched and bent and twisted his foot, she was able to determine that his foot is causing him pain (in the middle, not the toes or heel).  Because of all this she wants an MRI of his foot too.

If you think about him today, would you pray for sweet Sammy?  It's a no-big-deal MRI but he has to be sedated which always makes me a bit nervous.  I'll keep you posted as we get new info.

Papi Battle 2013

It's gone on long enough; Grace's love affair with her papi (her pacifier) needs to end.  We've tried before -- once right before the twins moved in I almost broke her of it.  But the turmoil of special needs newborns sent her over the edge and I caved in an effort to right at least part of her little world.  Again, before the girls came home I had her only using it at night and again the turmoil of new people and new places rocked her little psyche but I was determined to hold fast...until her new sisters decided to give in to her regardless of my wishes.  I can see clearly when I'm in a losing battle so I caved again.  But it's time, time to declare freedom from papi.

We had a brilliant plan for our girly girl.  We'd let her earn stickers for papi-free time (it started as whole days, then moved to daylight hours only and then quickly to 8 hour stretches!) and once she earned 14 stickers she could go to the "paint store" with Mommy (it's what she calls the nail salon).   This papi-free experiment started, full of excitement and promise, Tuesday afternoon, and though she didn't quite understand the full-measure of what we were asking her to do we pushed forward.

So far Grace has 2 stickers.  She went to school all day Wednesday with no papi -- one sticker!  She survived after-school-Dora-watching and dinner and church with no papi -- one sticker!  She then began to sound like a broken record repeating the word "papi!" over and over and over again as she sat on her bed.  I got the message -- papi at bedtime it was.  Bedtime was part of the papi-battle we had decided to fight later so we let her have it.

About 4am today, in her sleep, Grace popped that papi out of her mouth and began to scream-cry, "I don't want any stickers! I don't want any stickers!" Yep, that's right, my sweet baby girl was having a nightmare about losing her papi.  Her daddy's heart isn't sure he can fight the papi-battle anymore.  We're going to try to stay strong...but if you see her strolling around town with that papi in her mouth you'll know we lost.

Because I should post

It's not been good lately friends, not good at all.  There are a host of reasons I could trot before you but they don't really matter.  Adoption is hard, having 5 kids is hard, cramming 7 people in 3 bedrooms is hard, transition is hard.  I've talked about all this before...nothing new. 

I figured I should put something down on this old blog in hopes of keeping (ahem, jump-starting) my rhythm.  

So I'm sitting up at midnight listening to some new hymn rec's from my friend Lindsey; I've just finished cleaning off the counter, switched over another load of laundry (will that ever end??), typed my VBS curriculum notes and am firmly trying not to do anything else on my to-do list.  The house is quiet and my mind is not.  I'm trying to drown the noise of life and the world with truth of my Savior in hymn form.

A lady cursed at me today because my kids were in the street.  Another lady shook her finger at me for the same reason. Sunday someone from my church (she didn't recognize me but I recognized her) stopped and gave me quite the lecture for letting my children ride their bikes in the street. If I didn't know better I would think the street is a ridiculous place for a child to ride his bike.  I've been  trying to remind myself all day that my kids were behaving, weren't in the wrong.  More noise...

I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene...

I fought with my daughter most of the day.  Lots of tears, a bit of yelling (shocking yes, I ran out grace too quickly) made for a terrible day.  Some days (most days lately) I feel like I've got the words, "I just don't know what to do" on a repeating track.  More noise...

And wonder how he could love me, a sinner, condemned, unclean...

A friend of mine got her daughter today.  What glorious blessing!  And my arms ache for the babies that won't come home here anymore.  I wonder if that desire will ever fade. The fixer in me spins out of control trying to find a way to get that part of me what it wants.  More noise...

So I stand on every promise of your word...

The house, oh the house.  I've heard from the Lord on this one.  And I don't understand.  But I've heard so I will cling to that.  The house deserves it's own post.  Maybe I'll write that one next.  But knowing doesn't always make things easier.  More noise...

So I'll stand on every promise of your word...

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art

Thou my best thought, by day or by night

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

no more noise...

I miss him

This is Isaac on the night we met him.

I miss my boy.  I miss the way he snuggled in close to sleep.  I miss the way he grinned with his whole mouth open.  I miss the way he was just starting to vocalize with us.  I miss the way he neatly book-ended my little family.  I miss the way he felt immediately like part of us.

Of course he doesn't look this way any more.  He's two now (I'll never forget his birthday -- 1/11/11). And April 1st of this year will mark two years since he was taken from us.  I still sometimes hope it was just a cruel joke. He's a big boy -- probably with no memory of all the memories he made here.  

I've never had to bury a child.  I have no real understanding of the finality of that horror.  But I have lost my son.  I've had to grieve, alone in the middle of the night, the ache of empty arms.  People say I should be happy for him (and in my mind I guess I am); he was reunited with his biological family.  Sometimes my heart struggles though, because we were his family when no one else wanted to be.  At the strangest times I find myself thinking about him, wondering what he's doing, what he's like.  "They" said it would get easier with time.  I suppose it did -- I don't have to wonder every second how I'm going to breathe again.  But the grief itself isn't less, isn't easier.  It's not constant; no, now it hits in waves, unexpectedly and without warning, ruining me for a time. There are people in my life who say I need to get over it, pull myself up by the boot straps and move on, it's over.  I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not even sure I want to do that. 

There's no real lesson here.  No clever way to end this post.  But if this is to really be any sort of memoir of me, then this needs to be here.  

Facebook rulebook

Before beginning this post, I think I have to admit that writing it officially makes me old...as in yesterday's technology old.  Not in the "I'm a relic" way -- I'm only 31 after all (is that right? I can't even remember).  But in the "I'm an iPhone 4 in an iPhone 5 world." I always wondered when this would happen and how it would feel...

On to facebook...

I think I need a facebook rulebook.  I recently commented on a "friend's" status and immediately thought, "I wonder if I just interrupted that conversation." And right then I began to have a feeling that I'm breaking a whole mess of unspoken rules about to whom and when I should comment.  I have a mess of friends -- old and new -- that fill my newsfeed daily.  Some are funny, others...not so much.  All entertaining for my somewhat voyeuristic self.  I've recently decided that if a name is on my friend list then I'll consider him/her my friend, as in I'll actually say something if I have something to say.  Let the commenting commence to start.  Precisely because of my new personal commenting rules, I've discovered that not everyone shares those rules.   In fact, I'm beginning to think I'm in the minority if not solitary position here. I don't want this to read as a plea for more comments.  I personally don't really care if I get comments...if you feel like saying something then say it.  Some days my introverted self just doesn't want  to comment -- too much personal interaction.  Rather this is me wondering, "am I doing this wrong?".  Is there a right way (and conversely wrong way) to comment?  Are there circles on facebook?  Am I supposed to only comment on those in the inner sanctum and just creep on those outside it?

And here's where I think it may be an age thing.  If you are labeled "Friend" then I think that deems us entered into some sort of relationship.  And if we are entered into some sort of relationship then I think that there shouldn't be any rules to how and when I communicate via the medium of the relationship (in this case facebook). And if there are rules, then shouldn't we terminate the relationship?  I just keep thinking that if any of my "real life" friends and I had rules on communication it would be difficult for us to maintain our friendships. And maybe that's the kicker.  Maybe I've grown tired of using facebook to check up on people and see how far they've come.  Maybe I've come to a place in my life when I realize how difficult it is for all of us and I genuinely want to celebrate and grieve and have community with folks...no matter what we were like decades ago.

I'll end with this...another apology for this mess of words I'll call writing.  Seriously out of practice...

The bone scan of 2013

I posted on facebook yesterday about Sam having a bone scan and it became clear that we hadn't done the best job at keeping the world informed of the goings-on around here.  Thought it might best to set the record straight and get us all on the same page.

Sam limps. That's the short answer.  He's actually been limping...for 8 months. At least that's as far back as we can remember.  We can distinctly remember talking about it around Mother's Day 2012 but it could have been happening before.  And I remember, even then, not knowing why he was limping.  We've watched him over the course of that time -- some days his limp is BAD and other days it's non-existent.  Some days he'll tell me his leg hurts and other days he'll only identify pain if asked and other days he looks at you like you've grown an extra appendage when quizzed about his leg.

Christmas this year brought inquiries from lots of people...enough inquiries that we decided that maybe we should take him to the doctor.  We fully expected to be told it was a high ankle sprain or some "no big deal" thing.  We first visited our pediatrician.  She poked and prodded and could find nothing definitive, and though he limped into the office and out of the office, when she asked him to walk he did so without a limp.  Her assessment:  send him to the orthopedic doctor.  So we made an appointment. Again, Sam limped in so severely that the nurse was worried he shouldn't be walking at all.  We x-ray'd and examined and again, when the doctor asked him to walk, skip, jump, and balance, Sam did so without a problem.  "Normal gait" was the observation.  I cried.  My son is limping for everyone except the doctor.  Our ortho decided to order blood tests to rule out infections and other illnesses; words like "muscular dystrophy" and "leukemia" floated around and I held my breath for 3 days waiting those test results.  All were normal.  And in case anyone's keeping track, that's the third time in his short 5 years of life we've heard it might be cancer for Sam.  So tired of that.

Because Sam was still limping and the x-rays and blood work came back all clear, the doctor ordered a 3 phase bone scan. We waited 2 weeks for the first available appointment.  Then we ventured to Texas Children's where they injected him with radioactive dye and took pictures of his pelvis, legs and feet.  Then we waited 3 hours and took more pictures to see how the dye had been absorbed into his bones.  A fascinating test, really; I was amazed at the technology.  We weren't sure how to even pray for that scan.  We didn't want them to find anything but we also weren't sure we didn't want them to not find anything either, weren't sure we wanted to go the next step.

Bone scan results come back quickly -- we received a call from our ortho last night.  The bone scan was clear except for a slight abnormality that indicated a change in weight bearing.  Basically -- the scan showed that Sam limps.  Now we are being referred to a pediatric rheumatologist.  The kicker -- there are only 4 pediatric rheumatologists in Houston so the wait is super long to get an appointment.  I can't actually call and make an appointment; our referring doctor has to do that for me. Fortunately, because my God's not a God of coincidence, one of my best friends has a sister-in-law who is a pediatric rheumatologist, and although she practices in New Orleans, has been great about answering the zillion questions I've had.

The good news, from our ortho and our pediatrician and our friend -- it's probably not a big deal.  All of Sam's tests are good, great in fact.  And he's healthy and active and "normal" (Sam's never been normal a day in his life but from a medical perspective we'll take it).  We'll pursue this new direction and see what happens. And we'll try not to worry.  Because we know who goes before us and who is our rear guard.