Of random thoughts and news

It seems I've almost given up writing here. I don't know why. The words just don't come. There has to be a disconnect somewhere. I always told my students that good reading produces good writing so perhaps I should read more. I'll add it to my to-do list; maybe I'll get around to it when my kids are grown.

It has to be intentional, this writing here, but isn't that true with most things? They have to be intentional. I'm learning this, more days slowly than others but learning it all the same. I have to be intentional in parenting, I have to be intentional in study; I have to be intentional if any of it is to matter at all.

The babies are leaving; sometime in the next 30 days they'll go somewhere else, I don't know where. I'm stuck trying to process it all, fluctuating between knowing it's what is best and lamenting, full of jealousy, that we are still in the waiting zone of this adoption process. Funny thing about waiting, something I don't do well, it's not a quick lesson. I know because it's one I've been trying to learn for a while now...one God won't let me skim. Just this morning my study time was "Wait for the Lord," "Wait for the Lord," "Wait for the Lord!" My response? I'm tired of waiting already! Oh wait...I may have missed that point in the lesson.

I love this post-Christmas time. It's a chance to declutter, clean out, purge all that's been taking space and attention. It, in so many ways, is out with the old in with the new. A chance to be...intentional (funny how this all came back around...unintentionally). And that's what I'm off to do, clean, put away. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow and write some more. Just write to see what comes out...

What I want to blog about...

If I had time I'd sit down and write long blogs about my daughter being 2, about her being full of fire and beauty, about Jack's obsession with push-ups and Sam's crazy way of being Sam. I'd give you updates of life, Luke's new job, our house on the market, the recent remodel work we've had done. I'd list things I'm thankful for and tidbits of cute kid talk I don't want to forget. I'd give peeks into our homeschool curriculum and try to educate about the CPS system.

But let's face it. I don't have time. Maybe eventually but not now. Now I have to actually homeschool (field trip day!), take a baby for a swallow study (Andre still isn't gaining weight), go to court (permanency hearing...that won't result in anything permanent), facilitate ECI therapy for Andrew (he is officially visually impaired) and the most exciting, start packing for our Disney trip.

I promise to expound on at least some of these when I get back -- and hopefully things slow down a bit. For now -- a prayer request or two. One would you pray that we get some answers from Andre's swallow study? Though we think he is doing well gaining weight, the doctors disagree. We've exhausted other possible diagnoses so we're hoping this test shines some light on the subject. Two -- would you pray for the court hearing on Wednesday? Pray for our favor with the court and that all involved would speak truth and seek justice for the babies.

Thanks everyone!

Pumpkin Party

We party hard here at Casa de Pearson. Last night's family fun revolved around pumpkins. As per the usual tradition, each kid big enough to paint had the task of painting his or her pumpkin that was very carefully chosen from the pumpkin patch. Jack and Sam also got the responsibility of painting a pumpkin for the twins. Grace was by far the most cautious and precise painter we had this year. Wondering if that's a girl thing??

The family part centers around the cutting of the jack o'lantern. We have a family devo we do each year (Jack can almost lead it now) that compares God's work in us to our work on the pumpkin -- pulling out the yuck, giving us eyes to see like he does, a mouth to speak his word and a light inside us to shine to the world.

One thing we've discovered is that pumpkin carving is not pre-school attention span friendly. Once all the yuck has been pulled out, the boys frequently tire of watching dad work with the carving tools. So each year I work on trying to find something to keep their attention that doesn't involve leaving Luke outside by himself. This year I found a cute idea on Pinterest -- and then made it my own. I didn't even pin the original so there's no way I can tell you how to really accomplish the "look" -- you'll just have to settle for my version. Fair warning though -- I am NOT crafty. Everyone reading this blog could probably do a better version without much effort.

First I took some good ole painter's tape and taped out my design. I chose a "P" with a circle around it. Again, I'm sure some of you could do MUCH better. But work with me. And sorry I don't have pics of this stage...I wasn't sure it would be a success so I didn't photo-document my steps.

Then when it was "boring" time on the carving side of things, I had each child pick out a color of paint that would be his or her own. Jack picked red, Grace purple and Sam teal. I picked pink (shocker!) and Luke was green. The big boys decided to pick dark blue for Andrew and yellow for Andre. I told the kids to just start painting the pumpkin with the instructions that it was okay if someone painted over your color and you could paint over theirs.

As we painted I talked about what happens when the colors mix. Sometimes it changes completely, other times it just sort of mixes. Still other times it makes a new shade of the same color. (Got a little homeschool in there for Sam too!).

Then I hit the transition. See we are a blended family. And with that blending sometimes comes some "stuff" that's expected but still difficult to deal with. Add to that the typical occurrences of sibling rivalry and our house at times is a bit battle weary. Luke and I work very hard to create a sense of unity and one-ness in our house. And this pumpkin painting was a great way to do that. I told the kids that just like the paint, each person in our family was a little different. As we live together we rub onto each other -- sometimes that rubbing changes us completely, sometimes we just mix a little and sometimes we create something that a little different looking but still the same. But the cool thing is that our together-ness is way better than our single selves. I explained how our pumpkin would look if we used just one color. And I showed them how adding Andre's yellow to Sam's blue and Jack's red made two different looks. And that's what family does. A little of this and a little of that and we mix together daily and at the end of everything we make a beautiful picture.

After the paint dried (sort of...that much paint took a L.O.N.G. time to dry) we pulled off the tape and saw the "P". Then we talked about how we may all be a little different but the one thing that's the same is that we are Pearsons and that we had to work together to make such a beautiful pumpkin.

I know it's super cheesy. But it worked and it seems to have stuck as the boys have been talking about it for a while. Hopefully it can be something that we can draw on when we get to the "us vs them" comments.

The chart that changed my house

*** I wrote this post about 2 weeks ago and saved it as a draft until I could take pictures of the charts. Then I promptly forgot about it...until a friend asked yesterday at church. Sheesh...I'll get it together eventually ***

Fad parenting tips and techniques do not typically make their way to our house. Tried and true is usually the name of our game. But every now and then something comes along that we just can't help but try. Enter our new charts.

I've wanted to set up behavior charts for a while -- a visual reminder for the boys of their actions and attitudes. We were hoping this would help teach long-term consequences and maybe some self-control (something hard to come by for my little boys). But everything I found seemed to missing something...and I was floundering. Maybe this only happens to me but occasionally as I parent my kiddos I get stuck in a rut and quickly slap some blinders on, forgetting my kids are kids. I start parenting them like they are little adults and not children. And when that happens my standards become as rickety as an old bridge; some days I'm super-strict, others I'm the very definition of laissez-faire. I knew that no behavior chart in creation would be strong enough to withstand wiggly rule enforcement.

Then I sat in a parent summit. Among the numerous other (and very helpful) topics covered, discipline was discussed. (I'm on a discipline kick right now -- for them and me). In the talk, the "if-then chart" was discussed. I've seen these charts before in my numerous teaching courses but had held firm to the notion that "I'm raising my children, not controlling a classroom full of students." Fortunately this time, I listened and heeded the words I heard. Luke and I decided to make the charts a part of our behavior system.

We purchased the supplies that day (2 pieces of poster board -- one red, one green). While the kids napped we discussed our charts. We started with the "negative" chart -- it was easier for us to focus on what we didn't want our kids to do. We began by brainstorming actions that we didn't want to see, attitudes we wanted to discourage. Then we grouped these actions and behaviors under larger "rules." We want our house and therefore our discipline to be biblically based so we worked at getting our rules to match directly to commands found in the Bible. We also listed the rules in an order similar to the commandments found in Deuteronomy (so honor parents is first because it's the first commandment dealing with human-to-human interaction). Note we didn't set consequences yet, just rules. Then we worked on the "postive" chart. We decided we didn't want the positive chart to be a mirror image of the negative. You aren't rewarded for meeting expectations. You are rewarded for going above and beyond expectations. So we began to consider what actions and attitudes our kids sometimes showed that we wanted to encourage. We then worked on a "heading" for this type of behavior, again biblically based. We found that all our positives had to deal with having a servant's heart. So that is the theme of our positive chart. Again we didn't set rewards yet.

Once the boys woke from nap we started working on the charts together. We explained what they were and showed them the "if" side that Luke and I worked out together. We then had the boys help us with the "then" side. It was a little difficult for them to understand at first but they quickly got the hang of it. Their consequences were surprisingly spot on to what we would have chosen. In some cases the boys were much harder on themselves than I would have been! Once the negative chart was done we moved on to the positive chart. Rather than assigning rewards to each action we made a list of choices for mom and dad. The boys came up with some really great rewards and only a few deal with food which we liked!

That afternoon, unknowingly, we had the first opportunity to use our charts. Luke took the big kids to Wal-Mart to get some things. Everyone, shockingly, behaved perfectly so he told them they would each get a piece of gum as a reward (he made sure to reference the chart and used the "language" we set up). He chose the gum and each child got a piece once buckled in the car. You would have thought he gave them a lifetime supply of chocolate they way they came bursting through the door talking about their gum! Usually "treat time" at a store is avoided like the plague because it negates all the positive behavior seen. It's Wednesday now and the kids are still talking about the entire situation.

The behavior around our house has been amazing. Not perfect by any means but so much more even-keeled. The visual reminder of the expectations set for them has been great for the boys. It helps mom and dad too; we don't have to "create" a consequence for each offense and we don't have to remember what our consequence was the last time so we are much more consistent. Because the boys helped create the charts there is much less "us vs them" and behavior is a team effort. And it helps mom throughout the day with my own behavior ;) It's awfully hard to use unkind words to my kids when there's a chart staring me in the face, complete with consequences.

Here are some pics of our charts. They really have done wonders around this place!

Here's our positive chart.

It's hard to read and I didn't want to bombard this post with dozens of pics so here's what it says: Under If -- "I have a servant's heart for my mom and dad, my brothers and sister, my community, my world" Under Then -- "I will be rewarded with extra time with mom and dad, my choice of dinner, extra video game time, special treat or dessert, Pearson Points, my choice of movie, park time, a later bedtime" There's lots of room for more choices as the boys grow and I find things that might work better.

And a pic of our negative chart

Under If -- "I do not honor my mom and dad -- first time, all the way, with a happy heart; I use unkind words -- tone and content; I hurt anyone in anger -- hit, bite, kick, etc; I do not take care of our blessings -- our house, our things, our toys" We used "our" very intentionally. If we are to work as a team then the things in the house must be ours, nor yours or mine. The Bible speaks repeatedly of community and fellowship of believers and we wanted to stress that to our kiddos. Under Then -- "1. I change my color 2. I sit in time out 3. I get a punishment; 1. I change my color 2. I get sassy sauce; I get a punishment; 1. I change my color and I take care of the blessing 2. I sit in time out OR I lose the blessing 3. I do extr

a chores" A note -- "punishment" means spanking. We are allowed to spank our bio kids but didn't want to advertise that fact for CPS.

Our color change chart -- one for each child. There are about a zillion ways to do this part...I just liked the car speedometer approach for the boys. Each color comes with it a consequence. That way the offender can't be "just bad enough" to change his color without a consequence.

And here's where I admit that I know it's not the charts that changed my house. I'm not naive enough to think that the power is in the paper. But I do think that the deliberation of creating the chart was necessary for us to get things back to where they needed to be. The refocusing, realigning, reorganizing and re-purposing of attention, of intent, of goals needed to happen. The paper was the vehicle for that. And that new and clear line is what is making all the difference...

My A-Team

I've been avoiding this topic -- never knowing for certain what to say and what to omit...

I'll break this into sections because there's tons with a capital BUNCHES to tell. That way you can skip what you don't want to read and get on to the gratuitous cuteness at the end of the post.

Legal: We don't know much on the legal front. The boys' permanency with us looks promising (I'd give it a 95% if I had to give a percentage) but this is CPS so things could change on a dime. It's happened before so it won't really surprise me. Our next court date is November 9th (happy 26th birthday to my sister, Kristen, that day!), and truthfully there's no way of knowing what will happen. It's a status hearing so it could be a whole lotta nothin' - the judge just checks on babies, mom, etc. Or the judge could say he's waited long enough and could set a date for termination -- I doubt this will happen. Or CPS could pull something out of their hat and try to take the kids -- I also doubt this will happen. In all likelihood it will be a very uneventful afternoon downtown. We know it typically takes 12-15 months to be finalized (assuming that's what is going to happen) so we aren't really in a rush.

Health: This is the part of the update that is the longest. I'm comfortable sharing this only because I would share it about my bio-kids. Hopefully all my readers are genuinely concerned and not just following the spectacle. We've recently learned that both of the boys have some health issues that are concerning.

Andre: After watching him suffer with reflux for a month or so, we became worried that he was in too much pain and was consequently not eating. Our pedi referred us to a GI clinic. Fortunately they were able to get his reflux under control; unfortunately they also suspect he has a genetic syndrome that is causing his slow weight gain. We were referred to a genetics clinic and last week we did a chromosomal micro-array test to look for what exactly could be the issue. The doctor suspects that he is missing a portion of a chromosome. We won't know which one or what that means for him until we get the tests back sometime mid to late October. We do know this could have profound effects on him for the rest of his life.

Andrew: While at a visit to our pedi for his brother's reflux, the doctor noticed that Andrew had an eye that just wasn't cooperating like it should so she referred us to a pediatric ophthalmologist. The first doctor we saw said that Andrew had "at least 3 acute issues" and declared that he wasn't comfortable treating him. So he referred us on to another specialist. The second doctor noticed some serious issues (A doesn't track objects and he doesn't respond to changes in light and dark). We do know that his eyes are formed appropriately so the issue is somewhere else...which means we are doing more tests. As of right now he is labeled "visually impaired" but we don't know the extent of his blindness or if it's correctable. We did some tests Thursday on his retina; hopefully these tests will offer some answers in the next week or so.

Everyone always asks if we are still going to keep them and the answer is yes. We are trying not to get too caught up in thinking about what life will be like with two special-needs kiddos but are focusing instead on daily living, holding firm to the knowledge that God called us to this and equipped us for such a time as this.

Social: The boys are doing great here. They know our voices and, in Andre's case, our faces. They do love to be around the rest of the kids. We are bonding and though it's been a slow process, it's been good. The rest of the kids are doing well with them. Grace has some issues being displaced as the baby. Sometimes when I tell her I need to put her down to get a baby she says, "NO! ME!" and clings to my hip with all her might. But these times are rare and to be honest, a bit endearing so I don't mind much. We are adjusting to being a family of 7 -- slowly. I still haven't figured out when to go the grocery store. I miss the routine I had before so I'm desperately trying to find it again. The big boys are GREAT -- always willing and ready to bring me a diaper or find some more wipes or hold a bottle. There are always growing pains -- that's true in all cases -- whether it's a baby popping in new teeth or a big-kid getting a bit bigger or a family stretching to make room for more.

Names

We will be changing the boys' names once they are legally ours to do so. The boys are named after the two archangels named in the Bible. Ironically we chose the names before their personalities had really developed and we are realizing their names fit their personalities nicely. Andrew will be Michael -- the warrior angel. Andrew is our physical baby and approaches life with his muscles. Andre will be Gabriel -- the messenger. Andre is our more vocal baby, cooing and wanting to participate in our conversations.

Gratuitous Cuteness

My friend Jenny Wright took these beautiful pictures of the boys when they were about 7 weeks old. Andre (the curly-headed one) hasn't grown much since this picture -- only about 2 more pounds. Andrew on the other hand is so much bigger and chunkier now -- right at 11 lbs. Enjoy my beauties!

The A-Team (Andrew is on the left, Andre is on the right)

Gabriel Andre

Michael Andrew

My boys

L-O-V-E those cheeks

beauty

sweet babies

Home-school happenings

Before I jump in -- can anyone tell me how to spell "homeschool" or "home-school" or "home school"? There are too many options and depending on the spell-checker they all seem wrong. It's been buggin' me for awhile -- it's the English teacher in me -- and I'm too lazy (read too busy raising 5 children under 6) to look it up myself.

Thursday marks the end of the first month of our home-schooling adventure (for this post I'm going with the hyphenated version...just trying things on to see how they fit). What a month it has been! I can honestly say that I had NO stinkin' idea my days would look like they do. The easiest way to catch you up quickly is a comparison between what I thought and what is reality.

What I thought I would be doing: I set up a nice schedule, complete with wake times, chore times, break times and subject changes. It was...nice. I envisioned getting all our school work done in a matter of 2 hours (including time for recess) and having the remainder of the day for the rest of life. We were going to be a well-oiled machine of efficiency and accomplishment.

and then I remembered I have 5 kids...under 6...3 of whom are under 2. And that plan flew out the window...

What went wrong? Let's see -- day 1 Grace spent the entire time crying because I wouldn't let her destroy our morning board or color on the walls or sit in my lap and play with my face or jump off the bookshelf or play in the toilet or, or, or. Day 2 was Sam's turn to rebel; he didn't want to lace his shapes, he didn't want to sort anything by color, he didn't want to play "hidden pictures", didn't want, didn't want, didn't want. He did want to cry...which he did plenty of that day. Day 3 was Jack's turn; he sat down in the morning with a heaping helping of "I don't care" and there was no shaking it. Days after that were the babies' turn as we worked on crying it out and getting them on a schedule. Grace continued to wreak havoc on things as well.

After two weeks of awesome I realized that the wall I was beating my head against was simply NOT going to budge. If things were going to get better, I was going to have to be the one doing the moving. Have I mentioned I don't do change well? Home-schooling if fixing that issue quickly...

What we are doing now: We have a routine, not a schedule. And a loose routine at that. Kids wake when they are ready and then we start our day. We start each morning with morning board "day of the week, book of the Bible, weather, Bible verse, letter/color/shape/trait/state of the day." We all sing together the songs that go with each section (Jack skips days of the week and months of the year when Sam isn't here). Then we all do Bible together. We learn our verses together, sing our hymns and choruses together (soooo much singing...good thing little kids think their mama's sing like angels...) and listen to story together. Then I start Jack on his Bible application (think devo...but shorter) while I get Sam started on whatever he'd like. Sam gets to choose at-will what he'd like to do and this includes choosing to play instead of school. He's only 3 (almost 4) after all. After Bible we move onto math because it was obvious Jack needed success right away in his day and math is by far his best subject. After math it's snack and recess for all (this gives me a chance to feed/change babies and to get the rest of my lessons in order). After recess it's back for science or latin (or both if the mood strikes me) and ELA. By that point it's usually lunch and our day proceeds as usual (lunch, nap/rest, mommy time). I have a history curriculum but we've been skipping it because it's teaching creation for the first two lessons (which is what we've been doing in Bible for 4 weeks).

What I've learned: my day can't look like anyone else's...because it's mine. One of the reasons we chose home-school was because the schedule was wearing out Jack. So now he gets to sleep when he'd like. And no I don't care that I'm not teaching him to get up with the sun. He's 6, there's plenty of time for him to learn that little jewel. Because of the amount of kids I have and their ages AND the fact that two are foster babies means we are at the doctor A LOT...which means I have to be flexible about when and where we school. The schedule didn't work for us but the routine does. We've had some of our best days of school sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office. Along with that I've learned that lessons plans don't really matter. I mapped out my entire first semester before school started. It was pretty and I was oh so happy. And now? Now I'm a week ahead in math, two weeks behind in ELA, ahead in science, on target in Latin...you get the idea. (Just so people don't think I'm not teaching my son to read, we are behind in ELA because I had several days where ELA was reading...just plain ol' reading...and it was FUN!). We do what works for us when it works. And I'm happy. And Jack is happy.

What do I still need to learn? I'm still working on organization. I'm changing schemes so I feel a little behind in that area. I'm still working on balancing so many at one time. And I'm still working on managing school time and my daily work...chores get pushed back too often.

Overall this has been a WONDERFUL experience...one that has blessed me, changed me and stretched me more than I could have ever imagined. I'll post soon with specifics on my curriculum too.

A bit rusty...

I sat down in the quiet still of this morning fully intent on completing one of my "to-do" posts I mentioned before. But the words won't come. I'm not certain where I lost them but the words I can find are small and boring and bland. I don't want to use them, not here. So I'm going to do what I used to tell students to do -- write until the words appear. Just keep writing...today's post may be a bit more daily drudgery than I'd like but I need to start somewhere...

Today I'm heading back to the Med Center for another doctor's appointment for one of the babies. It's the second 9am appointment this week. I've taken these babies to the doctor at least once a week every week I've had them. It's starting to wear on me. They aren't sick -- no worries there. Well at least not life-or-death sick, maybe not even there's-a-pill-for-that sick. The doctors are just trying to piece together their health picture which requires specialists and test ad nauseum. Jack is coming with me to the appointment; we have school work to do. Our schooling is looking less and less like I thought it would but thankfully we are settling into a routine that works for us. From the baby sounds I hear it appears Grace is up and not so ready to meet the dawn.

I'll be back to work on this a little later tonight...maybe my words will come with me next time.

In the weeds

I'm really behind in blogging aren't I?! It's a little ridiculous. Just a teaser...to keep you hanging on...here are some posts in the works.

-- Jack is 6!

-- Homeschool Curriculum

-- The first day of school at the Pearson Academy for Higher Learning

-- A-Team Update

I'll post them soon...soon-ish anyway!

Sam is twitterpated

My Sammy's got it bad. Love that is. A little girl from his pre-school class and his church class named M has my boy in quite the tizzy. I watched him plant a full-on-mouth kiss on her at the Mother's Day tea at school this spring. And I listened the entire semester as he spoke of nothing but M. I, stupidly apparently, assumed the infatuation would end when school was over and he wasn't seeing her as often. I was wrong, so very very wrong. Things are only ramping up in that department.

Recently he's started telling me he's in love. Yes those are his exact words. He is in love and M is in love and so they are going to get married because that's what you do when you are in love. Sam has started picking out wedding details (the church and the flowers -- just like mommy and daddy's wedding) and there is talk of the 5 sons and 2 dogs they will have when he is daddy and M is the mommy. Luke and I told him he should probably consult with M on the 5 sons part! We've also mentioned that perhaps he should wait to talk to M's daddy before he starts planning to get married to her.

Yesterday, while driving in the car, the topic of conversation suddenly turned to family reunions. After I explained why Daddy's cousins weren't at the reunion for Grammy's (my mom) cousins, Sam declared that M was his family. I asked how that was possible and he non-nonchalantly replied, "because we're in love."

We're working on directing Sam to think they are just good friends but this is a battle we are losing. As he says, she is not his girlfriend. They are in love -- there's a difference.

The groanings of a family

It's happening again, that groaning accompanying the stretch of adding new family members. With the addition of two new to our flock I'm surprised the groaning isn't audible elsewhere. Both the babies are home now and have been for about 2 weeks. As a whole they are doing wonderfully. They've acclimated to the extra noise and general commotion that comes with living with other little kids. They are beginning to get used to seeing our faces and hearing our voices. Unfortunately both have been a bit under the weather each battling a different bug. And these bugs have meant little to no sleep for us...more on that in a bit.

The big kids are adjusting. We are dealing with expected behavioral outbursts from all of them -- extra noise, extra tears, extra pushes against our boundaries. They are also a bit needy for affection -- each vying for more time in our laps and more attention of our eyes and ears. This has all happened before and it will fade as quickly as it began; it just wears on mom and dad while in the middle of it.

As I alluded to earlier, sleep is a priceless commodity around our house and one that is rarely found. Luke and I are tired and so the groaning is a little louder and perhaps more woeful. One of the babies refuses to sleep without being held so it's often true that the parent of the night only gets about 1-2 hours of sleep total. That wears on the body, mind and soul and so we are bone-weary.

Personally I'm struggling with spiritual issues because of my exhaustion. I've allowed myself, foolishly, to forego any quiet time and serious Bible study and I'm paying the price. My lack of attention has allowed cracks in my armor and those are being used against me. Any little seed of evil -- doubts from people unsupportive of our decision to adopt, criticisms posed as questions -- these are growing into full-blown ugliness inside me. I've had to spend a lot of time today praying and reading, trying to fill up and fix what I've allowed to empty and break.

This afternoon has been better and I've no doubt things will continue to improve. They have to sleep eventually, right? ;)

The A-Team: An Update

It's been two weeks since we were placed with our newest little ones. I've been meaning to update this but I've been lost in a fog that is VBS. Fortunately for all my readers, Andrew doesn't believe in sleep and I've got so many VBS thoughts zooming around in my head that sleep alludes me. So here it is -- a 4am A-Team update!

Andrew is doing well. He's gained almost 2 pounds since we've had him and he's really starting to chunk up. This a really good thing -- the less fragile you are in this zoo, the better! He's not sleeping -- except during the middle of the day and then he's dead to the world. We're working on that. We're battling some eating issues because his mouth is just so stinkin' small. It's difficult to find a bottle that little that also lets milk out as fast as he'd like. We're on brand number 5 now. Other than that he's a happy little guy -- and boy do I mean little!

Andre is still in the NICU. He's having difficulty maintaining his oxygen saturation while eating. Luke visited Tuesday and reported there wasn't much change. Andre was still only allowed 4 bottle feeds/day and he was requiring oxygen during/after the feeds to boost his oxygen levels. This is a typical preemie thing and one we'll just have to wait out. Unfortunately there isn't a pill or a drug or anything that can remind a baby to breathe while he eats. We did this with Jack except Jack didn't have breathing issues -- he just couldn't remember to make his heart beat while he ate. Details, right?! I'm set to visit tonight so I'm hopeful that at least some progress has been made. Given the slow progress we've seen so far, though, Luke and I are inclined to guess Andre will be a due-dater. We don't expect him home before the end of June unless something dramatic happens.

I won't know anything about the case or the likelihood of permanency until our court date in early July.

That's about it! We're working on feeding and growing Andrew and wrapping our minds around taking care of two newborns!

20 new toes

There is still a huge, massive, gargantuan part of me that can't believe I'm actually writing this post. At 9:15 Wednesday morning we made the decision to open our foster home to new placements. And at 3:53pm that same day Luke called to tell me that we'd been placed. With a sibling set. Actually a set of twin little boys. That's right -- twins!

Born May 19th, the boys were a little early but are healthy as can be expected for such little guys (each barely weighs in at 4.5 lbs as of now). Andrew came home to us this afternoon and is so incredibly tiny. Baby Andre is still working on his breathing and eating in the NICU and will probably stay there another 2 weeks or so.

As always I can't say much else due to privacy issues. I don't know much to be honest. We don't even know if the boys are identical as we haven't seen Andre yet. Once I get them both home I'll post a picture.

Like before, we are hoping to adopt these little guys. The case looks promising but it's so early that really anything could happen. The reality of adoption is hitting us in waves as we go; raising two little boys the same age is going to be a new kind of interesting for us.

And so our little family has grown by 20 toes and 20 fingers and a whole bunch more!

Back in the thick of things -- adoption update

This entire adoption process has been a serious lesson in waiting. Can I just say that? We knew it would be but knowing it and living it are two very different animals y'all. I'll admit freely that I haven't handled Isaac's leaving very well. I had a difficult time staying engaged in life and focused a lot of energy on surviving not thriving. I was also exercising some M-AA-JOR spiritual disobedience. My human ignorance logic-ed that since the last time I was obedient things got gross and since I don't do willful disobedience well I'd just avoid hearing from God so I wouldn't be asked to do something I didn't want to do. Smart plan, huh? I can feel the tsk's from here from some of you. That's okay, I want to be honest about this entire process. Fortunately for me, God is truly a lover of my soul and so he pursued me, calling me ever-so-gently back into the thick of things. His grace was bountiful in my pain and so forgiving of my disobedience. And now, friends, it's time to engage.

For the remainder of May our foster will stay "closed" as we wait to hear some news (any news at this point) regarding 7 different straight-adopt or legal-risk placement cases for which we've submitted our home study. Supposedly it would take 30 days to hear anything but we've come to learn, again, that timelines mean a whole heapin' helping of squat in the world of CPS. Assuming we don't hear anything by May 31st, we are opening our home to foster placements June 1st. This is when I think we'll actually get kids. While I've run from foster care since Isaac left, as God has been gently righting my upturned vessel he's been reminding me of His original call. Luke and I feel very strongly that we've been called to foster care. We don't want to be forever foster parents but our hearts bleed for those kids, so often forgotten by everyone. We are committed to being foster parents who are willing to adopt, even if that means we lose more placements. That's a hard pill to swallow friends.

So that's where we are -- for the next 8 days we'll stay closed to foster placements. We hope to hear something positive on the permanent placements in that time. But if we don't, foster care here we come!

Be praying for our little family. We are ready for more kids but I'm nervous about the effect of losing another placement. We are going to change, slightly, the approach we take in weaving this family together this time.

Home is where it's happenin'

I really wanted to title this post "home is where it's at" but I couldn't bring myself to end with "at" -- shivers up my spine and "between the a and t" raced through my brain.

I mentioned in my last post that we have several reasons for homeschooling Jack. "Why?" seems to be the first question I get every time someone finds out about our new adventure, usually preceded by a look that declares me crazy. If I'm going to post about the idea of homeschool then I suppose I should start with the exigence of our decision.

These are in no particular order.

1. Extreme pedogical differences between the public school system administration and me. Remember the issue I had with money for grades at the beginning of the year? There were several instances like that throughout the year. It may sound radical but I think the principal should run the school, not the PTA. And I think the welfare of all students should be important, not just the ones with the most familial support and money.

2. Curriculum differences. Jack began Kindergarten unable to read but able to do multiplication. We didn't teach him to multiply nor did we quiz him on his facts. It's just something he picked up...somehow. When I inquired about accelerated curriculum for Jack in math in September I was told he would need to complete the outlined math and that there might be time at the end of the year for more. All this meant that Jack worked on counting to 10 for more weeks than I can remember. In the same vein, I've been a little concerned that Jack is still switching some of his letters. He's not dyslexic but it seems like this is an easily fixable mistake if it were actually addressed...which it hasn't been. Bottom line -- one size definitely does not fit all and as much as we as educators like to throw around terms like "differentiation", there is only so much a teacher can do with a classroom full of kids. At home we'll be able to accelerate math, work on some problem areas in reading, dig deep into science and actually start language studies (something Jack is BEGGING to do).

3. Jack is a boy. Duh right? The American classroom is not designed for boys. Period. Boys need to run; they need space to stretch those large muscle groups that will make them men. The classroom doesn't provide this for them. In an age of budget cuts and pressure from uninformed sources that our students are poor-performing because they don't spend enough time in the classroom, important facets like PE and recess have been cut or minimized to the point of almost non-existence. Jack, for example, spends the first half of his day in the classroom -- from 815 until noon. Then he's shuttled to lunch, specials (music, art, pe), recess and then back to the classroom for snack. That's just not going work. I recently discovered that he stands up for most of his school work. His body is aching to be used to the point that he can't get himself to sit. Understand me clearly on this point. He does not have ADD/ADHD. This is not a discipline issue. This is an issue of his body and brain needing more full-body exertion to be successful. At home, I can offer him this. We won't have to wait for 15 other kids to get in line to go outside; Jack can just go and run when it's time.

4. The spiritual component is simply not present. Again here me clearly on this point. I am not trying to shelter my child. YES I am trying to protect him. Jack professed his faith in Christ almost a year ago, so yes technically his faith is his to defend. However to say that he is a "baby Christian" is an obvious statement. Just as I wouldn't send my 18 month old baby into a crowd on her own expecting her to navigate the potential dangers found therein, so too we aren't comfortable sending our son into the world to defend his faith. Warriors don't train for battle during the battle. I know this is a point that many will disagree with but remember these are our reasons...not yours.

5. Jack's personal growth needs. This is actually big one. Jack has spent the last year of his life tired. Call me crazy but he has the rest of his life to be tired -- at 5 he should enjoy the rest he needs. He's up at 7, gone all day with no nap, and then under the weight of homework until dinner and then bed at 730. He's exhausted every day. Jack needs more sleep. He needs to option to rest during the day, to unplug his brain and rejuvenate. He also needs the ability to eat on his body's schedule. He needs a morning snack and possibly an afternoon one too. At school he can't get those. At home he can.

And that's it...at least all I can remember right now. I'll post another day about our curriculum choices (that's the part of this I really dig!).

A plain old boring update

I almost made it two full months without updating, didn't I? Makes sense I would, since I committed to writing something anything everyday for 30 days, hoping to create a habit. It would make sense that I'd forget about this thing completely seconds after making that commitment. I digress. The point is I'm back with a basic, plain, old, boring update.

We'll start with the kids. The gruesome twosome and the princess are all doing well. Jack is about to finish Kindergarten (12 more days!). He loves it, school that is. He was placed in the GT program and started attending a special class for that in March. There he is really flourishing. After watching him all year pull against the reins of public school schedules, we've decided next year Jack will school at home. We have a host of reasons for homeschooling but all boil down to that it just seems like the best fit for Jack and our family. I'll post an entire entry on our reasonings soon, I promise.

Sam is about to finish his first year of pre-school. He is every bit a three-year-old little boy, but don't dare tell him that. According to Sam is on his way to being a grown-up, even doing stretches in the morning to make his legs "grown-up legs" and such. He is perpetually stuck between baby and big boy, never sure whether to stretch his wings (and attitude) or revert to baby talk and lay in my arms. He is still as precocious as ever and has a knack for flashing his perfect smile at the exact right moment to prevent his utter destruction.

Both boys are all-stars on the baseball field. Actually we're just glad when Sam chooses to play and not lay down in the infield like he did one afternoon. He loves the game though and announces at the end of each practice that he "won the game." Jack is truly a good little ball player. He's got an eye for the game and quick reflexes that are paying off in the field. He's a lefty batter which will be nice once he makes it to coach pitch and beyond. I always wanted to push my boys to football but watching how much Jack loves baseball I think I'm going to have to shift that line of thinking a bit!

Grace is...well she's Grace. She is beauty and fire, darling and devil all wrapped up in a blue-eyed, dimple-filled ball of cuteness. She is my little spit-fire. She loves her shoes and having her toes painted, and eating dirt and joining in kung-fu battles with her brothers. She is getting very adept at manipulating the men in life and gets very angry when Mama sees right past those batting lashes and dimpled cheeks. We're still working on talking and I'm hoping to break the pacifier habit soon. She acted, briefly, interested in potty training but that passed as quickly as it appeared.

Let's see...I suppose our housing situation is next. Our house is still on the market, again. We re-listed in April and truthfully we've experienced first hand the dry real estate market as we've had fewer showings this spring than we did in the fall. Hopefully it will sell soon. We haven't really looked at anything new yet, afraid we'll fall in love with something that will be gone before our house sells.

And last the adoption -- it's been almost 2 months since we said good-bye to Isaac. Things are getting a little easier everyday but there are still times we ache for our little curly-headed boy. Currently our foster home is closed. Originally we intended on re-opening May 1st but decided to postpone it in light of some adoption hopes. We've submitted our home study on 7 different cases (some singles, some sibling sets) that are straight-adoptions or legal-risk adoption placements. We've been told it takes about 30 days to match to a child/group of children. Hence the extension of our closed status. We were hoping May would bring news of a permanent adoption placement. So far we've heard nothing. Right now we are set to re-open our foster home June 1st. And that's all I know...

So there you go -- an update! Maybe jumping that hurdle will open the gates of creativity and post after post will come issuing forth. Or maybe I'll just remember from time to time to write a little something...

A story of boo boos

A conversation between Sam and me

Sam: Mom, how'd you get your boo-boos?
Me: I don't have any boo-boos, baby.
Sam: yes you do. how'd you get them? did you fall down? when I fall down I get boo-boos. see this boo-boo on my finger (shows me non-existent boo-boo on pinky).
Me: I see it Sam. Mommy doesn't have any boo-boos though.
Sam: yes you do. when will Gracie get her boo-boos?
Me: well I hope she doesn't get any boo-boos. I don't like it when my babies get hurt.
Sam: M-oo-m. All girls have boo-boos. When will Gracie fall down and get her boo-boos?
Me: (with interest suddenly peaked) Wait, what? Sam, where are my boo-boos that you see?
Sam: sheepishly grins, You know!
Me: (gesturing to my breasts) Sam are these my boo-boos?
Sam: nods in agreement

Me thinks an anatomy lesson is in the very near future...

Where we go from here

It's been a week -- almost down to the hour -- since we said good-bye to Isaac. If I'm honest with myself and with others, this is the most painful grief I've ever experienced. Nothing in me prepared my insides for this kind of hurt. The grief is partly exacerbated as I have to watch my babies grieve. It's been terrible. But as I told a good friend, this is grief with hope. Probably the most common question I've been asked in the last week (other than the standard "Are you alright?") is the now-what question.

What follows is a response I penned to the question, "Has God called you to do something that seemed crazy?" -- it was meant to be used as a jumping off point for a lesson on Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac. We were asked to answer that question on Monday but I didn't get around to writing my response until Thursday, the day before we said good-bye to Isaac. While I didn't intend these words to answer the now-what question, I think they do a pretty good job.

God is still moving and teaching us things using the story of Abraham and Isaac but we aren't in a happy place and we certainly aren't in a place where we can say "God called us to do something crazy and it all worked out."

Here's what we do know. God definitely called us on this journey to adoption. We were comfortable before; we had the kids we wanted, they were "spaced" like we wanted, we had the life we wanted. And then God called. And suddenly the life we had was uncomfortable and incomplete because until we surrendered to his new call we were in disobedience. So surrender we did. Losing Isaac is not the end of the journey for us. It hurts and we are grieving but God didn't call us to "just give it a try." He called us to see this journey through to the end. If we view losing Isaac as God withholding the ram then we've lost sight of the sheer omnipotence He possesses. Did we think our time with Isaac would end like this? Absolutely not. I thought God would make a way that we would get to keep him. In my human-ness I thought I knew the mind of God. I'm humbled as I think of what God has for us as we continue down this road. He's taught me more in the last 24 hours about his holiness, about his character than maybe I've ever learned in my entire life.

We have to be careful as contemporary Christians, knowing the full story of Abraham and Isaac. We can't afford to read the story as simply a tale that no bad things will happen, that when we're asked to do the hard things God will change his mind when he sees we're obedient. Of course we can read it and see God's provision and his protection -- the ram in the bush is a beautiful parallel for us to Christ's sacrifice. But we also need to read it in light of Abraham's faithfulness. He didn't know the ram would be there. He didn't know the path his journey would take. But he knew he had to take it. That's where we are, Luke and I. We don't know where we're going but we know that the path has been laid before us. I also know, like Abraham, that God is all-powerful and all-knowing. That he has ordained this journey before he laid the foundations of the earth. While we were surprised that Isaac would have to leave, God wasn't. Which means he knows what lies ahead of us even though we can't see very far past our grief.

Saying good-bye

Dear Friends,

This post comes to you from my very heavy heart. I'm not much into words tonight but I wanted to update you all on the latest situation with Isaac. We found out about lunchtime today that Isaac will be leaving our family sometime this weekend. He has a family who has passed his homestudy and will be given custody. As you think of us this week, would you pray for us? For God's healing and peace to be on us and for it to be palpable? We are all grieving -- even the boys.

Thanks,
The Pearson Family

Talking in the bathroom

There it was, in red ink, staring me in the face -- evidence that Jack got another card change today. I hate those little red numbers. Today's offense? Talking in the bathroom. This is the second offense of this kind in a week, the third card change in that time. We draw a hard line in the House of Pearson, especially when it comes to behavior at school and church. Our rule: get in trouble at school, get in trouble at home. The infraction of the day means I'm sitting here trying to come up with an appropriate punishment. I'm at a loss. Oh don't get me wrong -- I have LOTS of punishments I can apply as appropriate sentencing for this crime. But it's really difficult to punish your child for something you don't really understand in the first place.

See I have two main issues with these bathroom-related card changes. First, both incidences were witnessed by another teacher. I'm not saying either teacher is lying or wrong but I do have to question if each has the same standards as Jack's teacher. Do these teachers not allow any talking at all while Mrs. M allows basic conversation but no playing? I don't know. Along that same line, as a teacher, I've always struggled giving consequences for behavior I didn't witness. Sure I'll talk to my kids about the behavior but I've always been a bit wary of applying punishment in that situation. Apparently Mrs. M doesn't share my line of thinking. That last bit isn't really an issue just a pedagogical difference that gets to me a little.

My other issue with the bathroom-related behavior is the expectation in general. Do these teachers really expect 5 year-olds to go to the bathroom, unsupervised, without saying a word to each other? Especially BOY 5 year-olds? Immediately after recess and lunch (when both of the infractions occurred)? I would never even expect my high school students to do that. I'm sure, somewhere, out there in bloggy-world, there is a mom whose 5 year old son would never talk in the bathroom if told not to and I'm sure there is a teacher whose kindergartners would never talk in the bathroom. But in my world that's just not a reality.

And so now I'm stuck. By definition of my own rule, Jack should get in trouble at home for getting in trouble at school. But how do you punish someone when you don't think they deserve it? I'm not sure I can NOT punish him only because of the message of inconsistency it sends. And in the I'm-smarter-than-you-so-I-don't-have-to-listen phase Jack's in, I don't think inconsistency is the best move right now ( as if inconsistency is ever a good parenting move...)

{sigh} I hate parenting days like today...

Expansion can be a bit painful

We're expanding -- this young family of ours. We're stretching space and hearts and arms to welcome our new member. And as smitten as we are with him and as hopeful as we are that we are his forever family, the expansion hasn't come without its pain.

Some pains are easy to bear, like when I struggle to re-arrange living space to include baby-gear, and toddler-gear and preschool-gear. Or when Luke and I stand together in the church parking lot, the doors closed in a brief moment of silence, as we breath deeply preparing to re-configure the way we get 4 little ones from the parking lot into their classrooms, all without loosing one to cars or crowds. These pains, these baby pains, pass quickly; they are easy.

Other pains aren't so easy, aren't so temporal. Pains of expanding our hearts to welcome a new member. Pains of expanding our social group. Pains of stretching the time I have to meet the needs of my many little ones.

Perhaps the most difficult pains are the ones that cause expansion/adjustment in expectation. We're expanding to welcome Isaac all the while our understanding of his permanency is expanding. We thought it was a "slam dunk" of an adoption case -- at least that's what our social worker said. And now, we know little more other than that certain details have emerged that make it a little less certain. So we expand to love this baby knowing we may have to give him back. We're expanding to having a fourth child while also having to expand our comfort in our own skin. I don't really like unsolicited attention. Being a white mother with a black child means that it doesn't really matter what I like -- the attention is coming. And with each stare, each double-take my confidence wanes just a bit. And my love for Isaac expands. And it hurts just a bit.

When I was pregnant with Jack I knew that childbirth would hurt but what I didn't expect was that to take the bulbous shape of being with child I would hurt. As my body expanded it also pained. And with each baby, each change in our family, each expansion, we've pained a bit. But it's always been so worth it. And this time it will be too.

Meet Isaac

I think I've been avoiding this post. As we are learning to navigate the uncertain and often cloudy waters of the foster care system I find myself very unsure of what I'm allowed to share, what I should keep to myself and what constitutes as "privileged" information. Ultimately I'm a bit weary of hiding our new wee one. If you are a facebook friend, please know you will never see a picture of Isaac on that particular social medium nor will you hear much about him. It's just too public an environment with too little control over who and what sees his information, and until he is officially and legally ours we can't take that risk.

Disclaimer over, on to the story of Isaac's arrival.

Sunday, January 23rd, we received a placement call for a 13-month old little boy which we happily accepted. In consistent fashion, we lost that placement. That was our fourth lost placement in 6 weeks. When I found out we lost it, I laughed. It was getting darkly comical -- our willingness to accept any child presented juxtaposed with our inability to actually get our hands on the little ones. Monday, January 24th, I called our placement coordinator (I'll call her Ms. C)around 930am and asked if we could give a blanket "yes" to all calls that fit our criteria (0-5 yrs old, boy or girl, sibling set ok, any ethnicity). At first Ms. C laughed at me. The more I spoke with her she seemed to understand that I wasn't joking and though she said I could do that I don't think she actually took me seriously. Around 1130 that day Ms. C called back for another placement. This time for a 2 week old little boy. He was still in the hospital, recovering from a rough delivery and was about to be discharged. Of course we accepted placement though I admit I failed to get excited at first because I fully expected to be told no again. Unlike the last 4 calls we received word that we actually got the placement. Ms. C arranged for a pre-placement visit and my sister graciously dropped what she was doing to come stay with our kids so we could go to the NICU.

Then we began to do the NICU shuffle -- a dance with which we are all too familiar. Initially we were told Isaac would come home Tuesday but when we arrived at the NICU I could tell by his progress that it would be longer -- he still had some milestones he had to achieve. Wednesday seemed more likely. Of course Tuesday's visit to the NICU brought news that it might not happen until Friday -- two steps back, all part of the dance.

Sidenote: I can't help but think how amazing God's plan is in all of this. No one wants to go to the NICU. No one. But we've been there 3 times with our bio-kids and like it or not we are pretty good at the dance. We know what to ask and how to ask it. We know when to panic and when to relax. We understand the machine beeps without even looking at the monitors and we have a general idea of what to expect before we walk in the door. And while I don't like going to that place and I hate my babies being there, of all the foster parents to give Isaac to it makes sense to give him to us. We walked in that NICU without the fear and trepidation that most people experience, primarily because it wasn't our first (or second or third) time. It has to be a God thing.

As is typical of the NICU, we received a call Wednesday lunch-time that Isaac would come home Thursday and that the doctors wanted us to care-by-parent. Fortunately my sister is great at emergency babysitting calls and was able to keep the other three at home while we spent the night at the hospital. After a very L.O.N.G day Thursday waiting for CPS to arrive with placement papers, we finally signed and headed home to Katy with Isaac in tow, around 5pm.

So far our transition has been an easy one though I've almost been overwhelmed by all the appointments; I hate being "busy" and being a foster parent is defined by busy-ness. We've had to adjust to fielding questions like, "what is he?" and "what's his story?" and "will you get to keep him?". Most questions are complicated -- either because I can't answer because I don't know or because I'm not allowed to answer. Even seemingly innocuous questions like "Is he healthy?" present a challenge.

So here's what I can tell you. Isaac, as you can see from the pictures below, is African-American. His story is that his mom couldn't take care of herself or him -- and that's why he's in foster care. Remember the foster care system doesn't randomly take children from their biological families or because they can find them homes that are a little better than the originals. He is basically healthy, though we are still watching some potential issues left over from a rough start in life. And that's all I can say about his health. Isaac's case is a complicated one so I can't speak with certainty that we will keep him forever. I hope we do. I know that regardless of where he ends up he will always be my Isaac, he will always be my son. That's really all I can say.

What else do I know? I know Isaac is a beautiful little boy with a head of wildly curly hair that I'm still trying to figure out how to care for. He has velvety soft skin that I'm terrible at remembering to moisturize so he gets ashy. Fortunately his skin rewards me when I remember by being so very soft; it's almost as if its training me. Isaac has the most deliciously chubby cheeks and the skinniest little chicken legs. I know he likes to be held and loves to be swaddled and he hates his carseat, and bouncer and swing. I know he likes to eat and is an amazing sleeper. And I know that our journey together won't be an easy one or a speedy one but it will be completely worth it.

Isaac's beautiful face -- the first time we met him

Luke and Isaac during care-by-parent

Me and Isaac

Swaddled and happy

Taking a little snooze in the chair

Sam is 3 -- almost three months late...

I was doing so well in keeping up with our family milestones. Since I was about a month late documenting Grace's birthday, I thought I'd keep that time frame up with Sam's. Well -- a month after Sam's birthday found us smack in the middle of Christmas and a couple of weeks after that were spent anxiously awaiting placement. I decided I really should document that my son turned three - for my memory and truth be told to ease a little mommy-guilt that he may someday have too much to tell a therapist because he was stuck in the middle.

Anyway -- November 21st Sam celebrated his third birthday! What a celebration it was! The third birthday is celebrated in the Pearson house with a party that for the first time involves friends. Sam declared early on that he wanted a "cookie monster chocolate birthday at Chuck E. Cheese." He held fast to that and so were happy to oblige. We (and the rest of Katy) celebrated Sunday afternoon, the week before his actual birthday. He was in absolute heaven. He received lots of fun gifts and enjoyed thoroughly being the center of attention.

Sam, at three, is losing his baby-ness. His cheeks are slimming and he's losing his toddler tummy rapidly. He's developing "grown-up" hand gestures and facial expressions when he speaks. He loves saying, "that's what I'm talking about" when something funny happens. Sam is still my physical child. He approaches the world through his ability to manipulate it with his hands and feet. And he's still my shy one, always observant but rarely heard by strangers. Of course at home he's a chatterbox and truly enjoying stretching his wings with me at home while Jack is at school. As of his birthday, Sam is still boycotting haircuts and has long flowing locks (TODAY Sam decided to cut his hair...almost 14 months after his last one). He really is a pretty little boy. He has a personality that is all his own -- I often describe him this way: Sam does not walk to the beat of a different drummer; in Sam's world there is no drummer, there is just Sam in a field, spinning in a circle. He frequently chooses outfits that contain the oddest assortment of clothing and accessories, usually worn in a way unintended by the designer. I just go with it -- some things are worth the fight. And I'm proud that he takes the initiative to try to care for himself.

Here's my handsome little man. Oh be still my heart!

Eeek! I think I may have killed it...

Did I kill this blog? With my month-long hiatus, have I lost so many readers that I managed to kill this thing? I hope not. I have posts -- many posts. But I'm lost in the fog that new mommy-hood brings. We were placed a little over 3 weeks ago with a 2 week old little boy and now I'm swimming in a sea of experts and social workers, all while trying to help our little (ha!) family grow and adjust to a new member.

Don't give up on me yet. I've got plenty of stories to tell and I think I'm beginning to see the light breaking through the fog.

For crying out loud...

I've done a lot of that lately -- crying out loud. Sometimes it's quiet, baby cries usually because the noise of life has quieted and my thoughts and fears and "what-ifs" race in and overwhelm me. And sometimes, like yesterday, it's giant body-shaking sobs, the product of nothing short of heartbreak. Yes, it seems tears are in abundance these days. And yes, it's usually adoption related, although not always my adoption.

I weep daily for sweet little Ugandan angels as I witness their stories thousands of miles away through the writing of another adopting mom. I weep often when I read of others who really get the emotions that I often don't have the ability to express.

But the loudest cries seem to come alone, with no tears, emanating from a deep space within. They don't come often, fortunately. Last night they came though. When the phone rang again with the promise of our new little ones only to bring news that we'd lost them. Again. For the third time. Three times now we've been called and three times now we've opened home and hearts and three times now we've been left without. It hurts friends, I'm not going to lie.

But I know I'll survive; we will survive. And while I may not understand the journey, may be confused by the route, I know that this ride was Divinely appointed. I want it to end that way; it would be such a shame to begin a journey with Divine intervention only to end it with human short-sightedness. And so we'll continue to prepare, continue to pray. We'll continue to open our home and our hearts. We'll continue to wait all the while trying to enjoy the journey.

Our new favorite snack

Snack time: it's evil, at least around our house. Daily my lovely and messy offspring and I lock in a battle of wills. They want bowls-full and hands-full of animal crackers, goldfish and the like. I want them to snack on yummy good-for-them apples (I even bribe with caramel dip), carrots (with a smidgen of ranch or hummus), yogurt or cheese sticks. And we stand at an impasse. Yes I could just not buy the other things -- but seriously, have you met me? And no those things aren't that bad, but considering my kids other nutritional choices I like to get bang for my buck whenever I can. All this means I'm ever searching for the perfect snack -- one that's healthy and nutritionally positive that also won't my kids gag (have you ever watched one of them try to swallow broccoli??).

Recently this search has pushed me into the organic side of food. I'm jumping on that bandwagon a bit late, I know.

As a side note: I'm still not "into" organic. I have reasons why I purchase organic and reasons why I really dislike the entire label but those are sure to start a firestorm of debate that I frankly don't care to engage in, so I'll leave them out of this particular post.

In venturing to the organic side of things, I happened to stumble on the latest Pearson snack craze. Grammy Sammys and Jammy Sammys. These little gems are perfect snack-sized goodness -- full of whole grains and organic, good-for-you yogurt or fruit spread. I originally found these at Hubbell and Hudson (my fave market...ever) in The Woodlands but I've since found them at my local Babies R Us. Made by Revolution Foods, these snacky-delights, at $3.29 for a 5-pack, are a bit more expensive than a traditional snack. But again -- I'm after a nutritional bang for my buck and these definitely meet that need. In a long line of tried-and-failed nutritious snacks, my Sammy friends are here to stay!

Of babies, kidneys and waiting

These thoughts have been bouncing around in me for a while, unsteady and unsure of their exact formation. So uncertain of them am I that I've been tempted not to share them, to keep them locked away until certainty declared them done. I'm not sure what I was waiting on -- some thought-turkey-timer device to pop or some feelings-oven-timer to ring. But no timer will ring so here we go, just thoughts, perhaps unready but hopefully follow-able.

Waiting seems to be the theme of the last half of 2010. And not always good waiting. Technically I suppose each of the things we've waited on are good but to get them we are waiting for bad.

We're waiting on babies. Our yet to be known but soon to be home babies. December 10th found us with signed license in hand. The license that's now proudly displayed in all it's framed glory declaring we are ready for babies. And now, January 2nd, we are still waiting. We came close once, receiving a call for two little ones. Only to have a call rescinding the placement. And so we wait, with baited breath. My heart jumps into my throat every time the phone rings. I've never been more irritated with solicitors ever. The awkward part of our waiting is knowing that to get our precious ones we are waiting for someone to hurt them or neglect them or to abandon them. In waiting for the good we are also waiting for the bad. As each day passes I grow more and more weary of the wait.

And while we are waiting for new life, my dad waits for a new life too. This summer found Daddy on the transplant list for a kidney. He's been a trooper the last 6 months dealing with dialysis and surgeries and endless doctor appointments. And all the while he waits for a kidney. While a living donor is best the transplant list is often made up of deceased donors. As our family waits for the good news of a new kidney we know that we are possibly waiting for another family to have their worst day. I can't imagine the bone-weariness that my parents must be experiencing as they walk this road.

I've never been too terribly good at waiting. Truthfully I'm not sure if I've ever understood the idea of really waiting. Not waiting on circumstance but waiting on the Lord. See we're told if we wait on the Lord we'll renew our strength. When we wait on circumstance we zap our strength and only when we wait on the Lord will we renew that strength. But that waiting on the Lord requires something of us -- waiting. As we've been waiting in all these things I can't help but think of Abraham and Sarah. Told they'd have a child, they waited and waited and waited. Until Sarah took matters into her own hands, until she forgot to wait on the Lord. What a mess she made! Waiting on the Lord requires a daily communion with Him, a constant communication with Him. Not a tapping of the toe arms crossed conversation each morning but genuine communion. Then will learning and leaning occur. Then will strength be renewed. Then will we mount up with wings as eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint. I haven't quite figured out waiting on the Lord yet.

With the birth of each of my babies has come a very specific lesson on the character of God and on my relationship with Him. I don't know why I expected our new babies to come with anything less. I suppose this time I'm learning about waiting and His timetables.