For crying out loud...

I've done a lot of that lately -- crying out loud. Sometimes it's quiet, baby cries usually because the noise of life has quieted and my thoughts and fears and "what-ifs" race in and overwhelm me. And sometimes, like yesterday, it's giant body-shaking sobs, the product of nothing short of heartbreak. Yes, it seems tears are in abundance these days. And yes, it's usually adoption related, although not always my adoption.

I weep daily for sweet little Ugandan angels as I witness their stories thousands of miles away through the writing of another adopting mom. I weep often when I read of others who really get the emotions that I often don't have the ability to express.

But the loudest cries seem to come alone, with no tears, emanating from a deep space within. They don't come often, fortunately. Last night they came though. When the phone rang again with the promise of our new little ones only to bring news that we'd lost them. Again. For the third time. Three times now we've been called and three times now we've opened home and hearts and three times now we've been left without. It hurts friends, I'm not going to lie.

But I know I'll survive; we will survive. And while I may not understand the journey, may be confused by the route, I know that this ride was Divinely appointed. I want it to end that way; it would be such a shame to begin a journey with Divine intervention only to end it with human short-sightedness. And so we'll continue to prepare, continue to pray. We'll continue to open our home and our hearts. We'll continue to wait all the while trying to enjoy the journey.