These thoughts have been bouncing around in me for a while, unsteady and unsure of their exact formation. So uncertain of them am I that I've been tempted not to share them, to keep them locked away until certainty declared them done. I'm not sure what I was waiting on -- some thought-turkey-timer device to pop or some feelings-oven-timer to ring. But no timer will ring so here we go, just thoughts, perhaps unready but hopefully follow-able.
Waiting seems to be the theme of the last half of 2010. And not always good waiting. Technically I suppose each of the things we've waited on are good but to get them we are waiting for bad.
We're waiting on babies. Our yet to be known but soon to be home babies. December 10th found us with signed license in hand. The license that's now proudly displayed in all it's framed glory declaring we are ready for babies. And now, January 2nd, we are still waiting. We came close once, receiving a call for two little ones. Only to have a call rescinding the placement. And so we wait, with baited breath. My heart jumps into my throat every time the phone rings. I've never been more irritated with solicitors ever. The awkward part of our waiting is knowing that to get our precious ones we are waiting for someone to hurt them or neglect them or to abandon them. In waiting for the good we are also waiting for the bad. As each day passes I grow more and more weary of the wait.
And while we are waiting for new life, my dad waits for a new life too. This summer found Daddy on the transplant list for a kidney. He's been a trooper the last 6 months dealing with dialysis and surgeries and endless doctor appointments. And all the while he waits for a kidney. While a living donor is best the transplant list is often made up of deceased donors. As our family waits for the good news of a new kidney we know that we are possibly waiting for another family to have their worst day. I can't imagine the bone-weariness that my parents must be experiencing as they walk this road.
I've never been too terribly good at waiting. Truthfully I'm not sure if I've ever understood the idea of really waiting. Not waiting on circumstance but waiting on the Lord. See we're told if we wait on the Lord we'll renew our strength. When we wait on circumstance we zap our strength and only when we wait on the Lord will we renew that strength. But that waiting on the Lord requires something of us -- waiting. As we've been waiting in all these things I can't help but think of Abraham and Sarah. Told they'd have a child, they waited and waited and waited. Until Sarah took matters into her own hands, until she forgot to wait on the Lord. What a mess she made! Waiting on the Lord requires a daily communion with Him, a constant communication with Him. Not a tapping of the toe arms crossed conversation each morning but genuine communion. Then will learning and leaning occur. Then will strength be renewed. Then will we mount up with wings as eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint. I haven't quite figured out waiting on the Lord yet.
With the birth of each of my babies has come a very specific lesson on the character of God and on my relationship with Him. I don't know why I expected our new babies to come with anything less. I suppose this time I'm learning about waiting and His timetables.
3 comments:
Patience. One of the hardest lessons to learn. And one God hit me with hard in our trials and tribulations while attempting to conceive Gabriel. It was so painful seeing friend after friend get pregnant and still nothing for us. Thinking of those moms who have kids and don't want them, and yet we desperately wanted one, and yet...still nothing. Learning to enjoy what you have, learning to be happy for others (at least in my case) even when you want what they have and to leave matters in God's hands and His time...such a challenge, but something I've definitely improved in since Gabriel's birth. Hang in there! God will bring your precious baby(ies) and a kidney for your Dad when the timing is right. As much as we think the timing should be "right" now.
Prayers your way and your family's that all will be resolved quickly and a healthy outcome for your Dad!
You are so special and as you learn to wait on the Lord you will grow even more specialar (I made that word up). I love you!
Valerie- I LOVED this post. Your first paragraph perfectly summed up the place I so often find myself. Thanks for that. :o)
I am also working to learn to wait and be patient with His plan- to trust the process even when I don't understand it. And, being that we have similar "get it done" attitudes, I think I understand your struggles. I will be praying for your Dad and babies to be.
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