Friday Morning Thoughts

Let's begin with a disclaimer: this post has absolutely no organization. It's truly a representation of the state of my mind right now.

I'm trudging through a Bible study right now; it's titled Interrupted: Relearning the Essentials of Faith; it is not what I thought it was going to be like. But trudge I must. It's a difficult study -- stretching me in ways I hadn't expected. When I put ink to paper and committed to the study I thought I was going to be studying things like Bible study itself, prayer, fasting, etc. Yeah, not so much. The entire study is dedicated to living "missionally" -- to be focused on the "least". At least that's the surface dedication of the study. Digging deeper I'm finding that it's a study about re-doing the church -- how it operates, thinks, acts, lives (with the important knowledge that "it" is in fact "us"...humbling). How is it difficult? Superficially it has me examining my choices -- does my life actually match my words? True I'm a good person who obeys God's commands (most of the time) but when push came to shove it became glaringly obvious that my actions fell far short of what God called the church to be. And so the study has me examining everything in a new light; and I mean everything -- from my kids' lunches and paraphernalia to how I spend my "free" time to the house I own and the car I drive to my general attitude toward people. The author of the study gave up her home, moved her young family and with her husband started a church that ministered directly and specifically to the homeless. Our challenge: to determine in our own lives what God is calling us to do to "live missionally." Stopping there alone, this study would be difficult enough and has almost caused me to cry "uncle!" more than once.

But it goes beyond that...the author of the study poses some ideas and presents some Scripture interpretation that quite frankly I find wrong. It's not something I'm used to -- finding fault in a "church approved" study. Even more discomforting is that I find myself sitting in a study with other women who do not disagree, leaving me two choices: sit in silence or argue (often an uncomfortable position for me). Hence the trudging...

Where was I heading with all this? Oh I remember now -- I didn't intend to delve so deeply into the study; I meant only to use it as a backdrop, hoping it would help explain my thoughts this morning. So backdrop set -- I'm in a study, searching my heart and life for what "living missionally" means. And I'm frustrated -- telling God "Here I am; send me" but completely clueless as to where I'm supposed to go.

This morning I came across some information about an old friend who is living missionally, in a rich and meaningful way; things for me have been wonky inside since.

Brace yourself for some serious honesty -- there is ugliness here some of you might be shocked to see, but I'm trying to be authentic.

You want to know my first thought? It was, "Why her/him?" OUCH! That definitely wasn't the love of Jesus. My next thought, "Why not me?" OUCH! Straight up defiance and disrespect are never pretty nor acceptable. Hoping to avoid a trifecta of wickedness I took a break, sought forgiveness and tried to forget about what I'd seen.

Forgetting didn't work. Fortunately the prayer did. Now -- this side of things -- here is where I sit: all kinds of conflicted. Should I help in the organization? Is this the calling I've been waiting for? Or am I jumping the gun, so to speak? So anxious to do something that I'm letting my "I'll help!" attitude overrun the stillness required to wait on God? Even if it's not my calling, is it wrong to help in the interim? What if I start helping, fill with contentment of "good enough" and fail to fulfill God's ultimate plan? What if, in all these questions, I'm missing it?

Here's what I know: God is faithful. He began this strange, awkward re-working in me and He alone will finish it. It will not be enough for me to consider "living missionally"; He is requiring action of me.

My gameplan: more prayer, lots of conversations with Luke (Thank you God for level-headed husband with a heart for missions) and some more heaping helpings of prayer. And now that I've typed this out and re-read it about a thousand and one times I think I may have an inkling of an answer to my questions.