Grown-Up Thoughts

Now that I've posted a plethora of pictures (not pinatas for those curious) and have satisfied the kid-picture need in so many readers it seems "ok" for me to return to my blogging roots. I begin with only a few caveats: one -- don't judge my writing as I'm beyond rusty; two -- the details I set out on this virtual notepad are all the ones I want to disclose; don't ask for more because I'm bad at saying no and don't ask to talk about it...not in the mood. Alright. Here we go.

I've been thinking a lot lately about regret. Real and true grown-up regret. Not "I shouldn't have worn heels when subbing in 3-yr-old Sunday School" regret but "that was a terrible decision and I would do just about anything to change it" regret. Yes I know...everything happens for a reason. And I used to ascribe to the school of thought that held changing any one decision could potentially change them all, resulting in unforeseen disaster. I used to...until now. Now I stand at a place in my life where I can honestly say I messed up; I made a mistake; I chose poorly. I thought I was doing the right thing, making the correct turn on the right street. Bottom line I thought I was following the path God set out. Now I have a gut-wrenching feeling that I was wrong, terribly and horribly wrong. Fix it seems to be the culturally conditioned response. Only I'm learning there really are things that are unfixable and this is one of those things.

I like metaphors -- they take the ambiguity out of things. So here is my current one: it feels like I'm on a road and I look to my right and I see the road I'm supposed to be on, going in the direction and toward the destination for which I was originally destined. And me? I'm stuck on a road, heading ultimately to the same destination but rather than taking the beautiful, scenic route I'm taking the route that detours through the dark and desolate. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I will forever miss out on the beauty because I made the wrong choice. Depressed yet? Seriously though...this is the first time I've ever had true regret. Perhaps another part of being "grown-up." Whatever it is, whatever it's called, it's new and awkward and thought-consuming these days.

That's enough for now I suppose...time for more pictures, yes?!