The chart that changed my house

*** I wrote this post about 2 weeks ago and saved it as a draft until I could take pictures of the charts. Then I promptly forgot about it...until a friend asked yesterday at church. Sheesh...I'll get it together eventually ***

Fad parenting tips and techniques do not typically make their way to our house. Tried and true is usually the name of our game. But every now and then something comes along that we just can't help but try. Enter our new charts.

I've wanted to set up behavior charts for a while -- a visual reminder for the boys of their actions and attitudes. We were hoping this would help teach long-term consequences and maybe some self-control (something hard to come by for my little boys). But everything I found seemed to missing something...and I was floundering. Maybe this only happens to me but occasionally as I parent my kiddos I get stuck in a rut and quickly slap some blinders on, forgetting my kids are kids. I start parenting them like they are little adults and not children. And when that happens my standards become as rickety as an old bridge; some days I'm super-strict, others I'm the very definition of laissez-faire. I knew that no behavior chart in creation would be strong enough to withstand wiggly rule enforcement.

Then I sat in a parent summit. Among the numerous other (and very helpful) topics covered, discipline was discussed. (I'm on a discipline kick right now -- for them and me). In the talk, the "if-then chart" was discussed. I've seen these charts before in my numerous teaching courses but had held firm to the notion that "I'm raising my children, not controlling a classroom full of students." Fortunately this time, I listened and heeded the words I heard. Luke and I decided to make the charts a part of our behavior system.

We purchased the supplies that day (2 pieces of poster board -- one red, one green). While the kids napped we discussed our charts. We started with the "negative" chart -- it was easier for us to focus on what we didn't want our kids to do. We began by brainstorming actions that we didn't want to see, attitudes we wanted to discourage. Then we grouped these actions and behaviors under larger "rules." We want our house and therefore our discipline to be biblically based so we worked at getting our rules to match directly to commands found in the Bible. We also listed the rules in an order similar to the commandments found in Deuteronomy (so honor parents is first because it's the first commandment dealing with human-to-human interaction). Note we didn't set consequences yet, just rules. Then we worked on the "postive" chart. We decided we didn't want the positive chart to be a mirror image of the negative. You aren't rewarded for meeting expectations. You are rewarded for going above and beyond expectations. So we began to consider what actions and attitudes our kids sometimes showed that we wanted to encourage. We then worked on a "heading" for this type of behavior, again biblically based. We found that all our positives had to deal with having a servant's heart. So that is the theme of our positive chart. Again we didn't set rewards yet.

Once the boys woke from nap we started working on the charts together. We explained what they were and showed them the "if" side that Luke and I worked out together. We then had the boys help us with the "then" side. It was a little difficult for them to understand at first but they quickly got the hang of it. Their consequences were surprisingly spot on to what we would have chosen. In some cases the boys were much harder on themselves than I would have been! Once the negative chart was done we moved on to the positive chart. Rather than assigning rewards to each action we made a list of choices for mom and dad. The boys came up with some really great rewards and only a few deal with food which we liked!

That afternoon, unknowingly, we had the first opportunity to use our charts. Luke took the big kids to Wal-Mart to get some things. Everyone, shockingly, behaved perfectly so he told them they would each get a piece of gum as a reward (he made sure to reference the chart and used the "language" we set up). He chose the gum and each child got a piece once buckled in the car. You would have thought he gave them a lifetime supply of chocolate they way they came bursting through the door talking about their gum! Usually "treat time" at a store is avoided like the plague because it negates all the positive behavior seen. It's Wednesday now and the kids are still talking about the entire situation.

The behavior around our house has been amazing. Not perfect by any means but so much more even-keeled. The visual reminder of the expectations set for them has been great for the boys. It helps mom and dad too; we don't have to "create" a consequence for each offense and we don't have to remember what our consequence was the last time so we are much more consistent. Because the boys helped create the charts there is much less "us vs them" and behavior is a team effort. And it helps mom throughout the day with my own behavior ;) It's awfully hard to use unkind words to my kids when there's a chart staring me in the face, complete with consequences.

Here are some pics of our charts. They really have done wonders around this place!

Here's our positive chart.

It's hard to read and I didn't want to bombard this post with dozens of pics so here's what it says: Under If -- "I have a servant's heart for my mom and dad, my brothers and sister, my community, my world" Under Then -- "I will be rewarded with extra time with mom and dad, my choice of dinner, extra video game time, special treat or dessert, Pearson Points, my choice of movie, park time, a later bedtime" There's lots of room for more choices as the boys grow and I find things that might work better.

And a pic of our negative chart

Under If -- "I do not honor my mom and dad -- first time, all the way, with a happy heart; I use unkind words -- tone and content; I hurt anyone in anger -- hit, bite, kick, etc; I do not take care of our blessings -- our house, our things, our toys" We used "our" very intentionally. If we are to work as a team then the things in the house must be ours, nor yours or mine. The Bible speaks repeatedly of community and fellowship of believers and we wanted to stress that to our kiddos. Under Then -- "1. I change my color 2. I sit in time out 3. I get a punishment; 1. I change my color 2. I get sassy sauce; I get a punishment; 1. I change my color and I take care of the blessing 2. I sit in time out OR I lose the blessing 3. I do extr

a chores" A note -- "punishment" means spanking. We are allowed to spank our bio kids but didn't want to advertise that fact for CPS.

Our color change chart -- one for each child. There are about a zillion ways to do this part...I just liked the car speedometer approach for the boys. Each color comes with it a consequence. That way the offender can't be "just bad enough" to change his color without a consequence.

And here's where I admit that I know it's not the charts that changed my house. I'm not naive enough to think that the power is in the paper. But I do think that the deliberation of creating the chart was necessary for us to get things back to where they needed to be. The refocusing, realigning, reorganizing and re-purposing of attention, of intent, of goals needed to happen. The paper was the vehicle for that. And that new and clear line is what is making all the difference...

My A-Team

I've been avoiding this topic -- never knowing for certain what to say and what to omit...

I'll break this into sections because there's tons with a capital BUNCHES to tell. That way you can skip what you don't want to read and get on to the gratuitous cuteness at the end of the post.

Legal: We don't know much on the legal front. The boys' permanency with us looks promising (I'd give it a 95% if I had to give a percentage) but this is CPS so things could change on a dime. It's happened before so it won't really surprise me. Our next court date is November 9th (happy 26th birthday to my sister, Kristen, that day!), and truthfully there's no way of knowing what will happen. It's a status hearing so it could be a whole lotta nothin' - the judge just checks on babies, mom, etc. Or the judge could say he's waited long enough and could set a date for termination -- I doubt this will happen. Or CPS could pull something out of their hat and try to take the kids -- I also doubt this will happen. In all likelihood it will be a very uneventful afternoon downtown. We know it typically takes 12-15 months to be finalized (assuming that's what is going to happen) so we aren't really in a rush.

Health: This is the part of the update that is the longest. I'm comfortable sharing this only because I would share it about my bio-kids. Hopefully all my readers are genuinely concerned and not just following the spectacle. We've recently learned that both of the boys have some health issues that are concerning.

Andre: After watching him suffer with reflux for a month or so, we became worried that he was in too much pain and was consequently not eating. Our pedi referred us to a GI clinic. Fortunately they were able to get his reflux under control; unfortunately they also suspect he has a genetic syndrome that is causing his slow weight gain. We were referred to a genetics clinic and last week we did a chromosomal micro-array test to look for what exactly could be the issue. The doctor suspects that he is missing a portion of a chromosome. We won't know which one or what that means for him until we get the tests back sometime mid to late October. We do know this could have profound effects on him for the rest of his life.

Andrew: While at a visit to our pedi for his brother's reflux, the doctor noticed that Andrew had an eye that just wasn't cooperating like it should so she referred us to a pediatric ophthalmologist. The first doctor we saw said that Andrew had "at least 3 acute issues" and declared that he wasn't comfortable treating him. So he referred us on to another specialist. The second doctor noticed some serious issues (A doesn't track objects and he doesn't respond to changes in light and dark). We do know that his eyes are formed appropriately so the issue is somewhere else...which means we are doing more tests. As of right now he is labeled "visually impaired" but we don't know the extent of his blindness or if it's correctable. We did some tests Thursday on his retina; hopefully these tests will offer some answers in the next week or so.

Everyone always asks if we are still going to keep them and the answer is yes. We are trying not to get too caught up in thinking about what life will be like with two special-needs kiddos but are focusing instead on daily living, holding firm to the knowledge that God called us to this and equipped us for such a time as this.

Social: The boys are doing great here. They know our voices and, in Andre's case, our faces. They do love to be around the rest of the kids. We are bonding and though it's been a slow process, it's been good. The rest of the kids are doing well with them. Grace has some issues being displaced as the baby. Sometimes when I tell her I need to put her down to get a baby she says, "NO! ME!" and clings to my hip with all her might. But these times are rare and to be honest, a bit endearing so I don't mind much. We are adjusting to being a family of 7 -- slowly. I still haven't figured out when to go the grocery store. I miss the routine I had before so I'm desperately trying to find it again. The big boys are GREAT -- always willing and ready to bring me a diaper or find some more wipes or hold a bottle. There are always growing pains -- that's true in all cases -- whether it's a baby popping in new teeth or a big-kid getting a bit bigger or a family stretching to make room for more.

Names

We will be changing the boys' names once they are legally ours to do so. The boys are named after the two archangels named in the Bible. Ironically we chose the names before their personalities had really developed and we are realizing their names fit their personalities nicely. Andrew will be Michael -- the warrior angel. Andrew is our physical baby and approaches life with his muscles. Andre will be Gabriel -- the messenger. Andre is our more vocal baby, cooing and wanting to participate in our conversations.

Gratuitous Cuteness

My friend Jenny Wright took these beautiful pictures of the boys when they were about 7 weeks old. Andre (the curly-headed one) hasn't grown much since this picture -- only about 2 more pounds. Andrew on the other hand is so much bigger and chunkier now -- right at 11 lbs. Enjoy my beauties!

The A-Team (Andrew is on the left, Andre is on the right)

Gabriel Andre

Michael Andrew

My boys

L-O-V-E those cheeks

beauty

sweet babies

Home-school happenings

Before I jump in -- can anyone tell me how to spell "homeschool" or "home-school" or "home school"? There are too many options and depending on the spell-checker they all seem wrong. It's been buggin' me for awhile -- it's the English teacher in me -- and I'm too lazy (read too busy raising 5 children under 6) to look it up myself.

Thursday marks the end of the first month of our home-schooling adventure (for this post I'm going with the hyphenated version...just trying things on to see how they fit). What a month it has been! I can honestly say that I had NO stinkin' idea my days would look like they do. The easiest way to catch you up quickly is a comparison between what I thought and what is reality.

What I thought I would be doing: I set up a nice schedule, complete with wake times, chore times, break times and subject changes. It was...nice. I envisioned getting all our school work done in a matter of 2 hours (including time for recess) and having the remainder of the day for the rest of life. We were going to be a well-oiled machine of efficiency and accomplishment.

and then I remembered I have 5 kids...under 6...3 of whom are under 2. And that plan flew out the window...

What went wrong? Let's see -- day 1 Grace spent the entire time crying because I wouldn't let her destroy our morning board or color on the walls or sit in my lap and play with my face or jump off the bookshelf or play in the toilet or, or, or. Day 2 was Sam's turn to rebel; he didn't want to lace his shapes, he didn't want to sort anything by color, he didn't want to play "hidden pictures", didn't want, didn't want, didn't want. He did want to cry...which he did plenty of that day. Day 3 was Jack's turn; he sat down in the morning with a heaping helping of "I don't care" and there was no shaking it. Days after that were the babies' turn as we worked on crying it out and getting them on a schedule. Grace continued to wreak havoc on things as well.

After two weeks of awesome I realized that the wall I was beating my head against was simply NOT going to budge. If things were going to get better, I was going to have to be the one doing the moving. Have I mentioned I don't do change well? Home-schooling if fixing that issue quickly...

What we are doing now: We have a routine, not a schedule. And a loose routine at that. Kids wake when they are ready and then we start our day. We start each morning with morning board "day of the week, book of the Bible, weather, Bible verse, letter/color/shape/trait/state of the day." We all sing together the songs that go with each section (Jack skips days of the week and months of the year when Sam isn't here). Then we all do Bible together. We learn our verses together, sing our hymns and choruses together (soooo much singing...good thing little kids think their mama's sing like angels...) and listen to story together. Then I start Jack on his Bible application (think devo...but shorter) while I get Sam started on whatever he'd like. Sam gets to choose at-will what he'd like to do and this includes choosing to play instead of school. He's only 3 (almost 4) after all. After Bible we move onto math because it was obvious Jack needed success right away in his day and math is by far his best subject. After math it's snack and recess for all (this gives me a chance to feed/change babies and to get the rest of my lessons in order). After recess it's back for science or latin (or both if the mood strikes me) and ELA. By that point it's usually lunch and our day proceeds as usual (lunch, nap/rest, mommy time). I have a history curriculum but we've been skipping it because it's teaching creation for the first two lessons (which is what we've been doing in Bible for 4 weeks).

What I've learned: my day can't look like anyone else's...because it's mine. One of the reasons we chose home-school was because the schedule was wearing out Jack. So now he gets to sleep when he'd like. And no I don't care that I'm not teaching him to get up with the sun. He's 6, there's plenty of time for him to learn that little jewel. Because of the amount of kids I have and their ages AND the fact that two are foster babies means we are at the doctor A LOT...which means I have to be flexible about when and where we school. The schedule didn't work for us but the routine does. We've had some of our best days of school sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office. Along with that I've learned that lessons plans don't really matter. I mapped out my entire first semester before school started. It was pretty and I was oh so happy. And now? Now I'm a week ahead in math, two weeks behind in ELA, ahead in science, on target in Latin...you get the idea. (Just so people don't think I'm not teaching my son to read, we are behind in ELA because I had several days where ELA was reading...just plain ol' reading...and it was FUN!). We do what works for us when it works. And I'm happy. And Jack is happy.

What do I still need to learn? I'm still working on organization. I'm changing schemes so I feel a little behind in that area. I'm still working on balancing so many at one time. And I'm still working on managing school time and my daily work...chores get pushed back too often.

Overall this has been a WONDERFUL experience...one that has blessed me, changed me and stretched me more than I could have ever imagined. I'll post soon with specifics on my curriculum too.

A bit rusty...

I sat down in the quiet still of this morning fully intent on completing one of my "to-do" posts I mentioned before. But the words won't come. I'm not certain where I lost them but the words I can find are small and boring and bland. I don't want to use them, not here. So I'm going to do what I used to tell students to do -- write until the words appear. Just keep writing...today's post may be a bit more daily drudgery than I'd like but I need to start somewhere...

Today I'm heading back to the Med Center for another doctor's appointment for one of the babies. It's the second 9am appointment this week. I've taken these babies to the doctor at least once a week every week I've had them. It's starting to wear on me. They aren't sick -- no worries there. Well at least not life-or-death sick, maybe not even there's-a-pill-for-that sick. The doctors are just trying to piece together their health picture which requires specialists and test ad nauseum. Jack is coming with me to the appointment; we have school work to do. Our schooling is looking less and less like I thought it would but thankfully we are settling into a routine that works for us. From the baby sounds I hear it appears Grace is up and not so ready to meet the dawn.

I'll be back to work on this a little later tonight...maybe my words will come with me next time.

In the weeds

I'm really behind in blogging aren't I?! It's a little ridiculous. Just a teaser...to keep you hanging on...here are some posts in the works.

-- Jack is 6!

-- Homeschool Curriculum

-- The first day of school at the Pearson Academy for Higher Learning

-- A-Team Update

I'll post them soon...soon-ish anyway!

Sam is twitterpated

My Sammy's got it bad. Love that is. A little girl from his pre-school class and his church class named M has my boy in quite the tizzy. I watched him plant a full-on-mouth kiss on her at the Mother's Day tea at school this spring. And I listened the entire semester as he spoke of nothing but M. I, stupidly apparently, assumed the infatuation would end when school was over and he wasn't seeing her as often. I was wrong, so very very wrong. Things are only ramping up in that department.

Recently he's started telling me he's in love. Yes those are his exact words. He is in love and M is in love and so they are going to get married because that's what you do when you are in love. Sam has started picking out wedding details (the church and the flowers -- just like mommy and daddy's wedding) and there is talk of the 5 sons and 2 dogs they will have when he is daddy and M is the mommy. Luke and I told him he should probably consult with M on the 5 sons part! We've also mentioned that perhaps he should wait to talk to M's daddy before he starts planning to get married to her.

Yesterday, while driving in the car, the topic of conversation suddenly turned to family reunions. After I explained why Daddy's cousins weren't at the reunion for Grammy's (my mom) cousins, Sam declared that M was his family. I asked how that was possible and he non-nonchalantly replied, "because we're in love."

We're working on directing Sam to think they are just good friends but this is a battle we are losing. As he says, she is not his girlfriend. They are in love -- there's a difference.

The groanings of a family

It's happening again, that groaning accompanying the stretch of adding new family members. With the addition of two new to our flock I'm surprised the groaning isn't audible elsewhere. Both the babies are home now and have been for about 2 weeks. As a whole they are doing wonderfully. They've acclimated to the extra noise and general commotion that comes with living with other little kids. They are beginning to get used to seeing our faces and hearing our voices. Unfortunately both have been a bit under the weather each battling a different bug. And these bugs have meant little to no sleep for us...more on that in a bit.

The big kids are adjusting. We are dealing with expected behavioral outbursts from all of them -- extra noise, extra tears, extra pushes against our boundaries. They are also a bit needy for affection -- each vying for more time in our laps and more attention of our eyes and ears. This has all happened before and it will fade as quickly as it began; it just wears on mom and dad while in the middle of it.

As I alluded to earlier, sleep is a priceless commodity around our house and one that is rarely found. Luke and I are tired and so the groaning is a little louder and perhaps more woeful. One of the babies refuses to sleep without being held so it's often true that the parent of the night only gets about 1-2 hours of sleep total. That wears on the body, mind and soul and so we are bone-weary.

Personally I'm struggling with spiritual issues because of my exhaustion. I've allowed myself, foolishly, to forego any quiet time and serious Bible study and I'm paying the price. My lack of attention has allowed cracks in my armor and those are being used against me. Any little seed of evil -- doubts from people unsupportive of our decision to adopt, criticisms posed as questions -- these are growing into full-blown ugliness inside me. I've had to spend a lot of time today praying and reading, trying to fill up and fix what I've allowed to empty and break.

This afternoon has been better and I've no doubt things will continue to improve. They have to sleep eventually, right? ;)