A Cornucopia of Randomness

Some thoughts...

1.  There is no greater creation than dressing, turkey, gravy and cranberries, at the same time.  Trust me on this.

2.  To the lady who took the seats from my children in church:  I kinda think you may have missed the point of being there.  The perfect center seat isn't it...glad my newly-turned-5 year old gets it.

3.  Some lessons have to be learned by experience, no matter your age.  For me, recently, this was the need for exercise and a good diet. Two weeks off and my body started shutting down.  One day back and, amazingly, things have completely turned around.  No more skipping morning runs for this lady.  I've heard it all my life but to see it played out so clearly was perspective-changing.

4.  Pre-teen sass may be my kryptonite.  I've had more in the last month than I care to stomach.  And goodness, we're just beginning.  Right now I'm trying to understand how I became the bad guy when I'm not the one dealt the punishment for disobedience.  Somehow...always my fault.  Luke says we need to get the devil out of her...I'm thinking of dosing her food with midol. (Not really on both accounts).

5.  Making things like turkey soup from a leftover bird makes me feel ever so pioneer-like.  Ma Ingalls and I might as well be enjoying a rare chat and a cup of coffee.

That's it.  Maybe I'll get something a bit more lofty, or at the very least organized into complete thoughts, later.

Eating a new way and Oatmeal Flax Muffins

Pushing through the habit of not-blogging...we'll take whatever we can get these days...

In my never-ending quest to be healthier, I've started changing the way my kids eat.  I'm hoping that while I'm working on my own diet and exercise habits, I can teach them to make good choices, teach them to crave the good simply because it's good, teach them that food is fuel not happiness, and ultimately break some generational sin before it starts.  After searching and researching, Luke and I are working on feeding our kids whole-foods, cutting out processed and artificial junk.  He and are eating similarly but with a few more restrictions to aide in fat-reduction.  Fortunately, none of our kids have allergies so this particular way of eating is easy for us to implement.  There is no one right way.  We picked a way of eating that was sustainable for our lifestyle, was easy to teach our kids and would be easy for them to sustain for the duration (hoping they choose to!).

This has NOT been an easy transition in many ways.  Whole foods mean more fruits and veggies, which for kids who think the only fruit is a banana and that veggies are sent from God as punishment has been torturous at times.  Every now and then, like this morning, I get glimmers of hope as I see them devouring good like it's a treat; chinks in their crappy food armor!

This morning we had Oatmeal and Flax seed muffins.  I found the recipe here.

(not my muffins...picture from the recipe site.)

I made a few changes from the original recipe.  One, I didn't have buttermilk so I made my own (real milk and a little lemon juice).  Two, I was completely out of berries (and pretty much everything else perishable since I haven't been to the grocery store since Noah was a boy)...hence the need to make muffins...so I subbed chocolate chips (just a few...call it bait for the kids if you will).  Three, I subbed maple syrup for brown sugar.  We are really trying to get our kids used to alternative sweeteners, ones that are more natural like local honey and maple syrup (less processed than sugar).  I know that sugar is sugar, regardless the source, and our bodies process it all the same; but we are trying to reduce the amount of processing our foods get.  Maple syrup and local honey get messed with less from source to table (or muffins in this case).

This recipe was a HUGE success.  My kids devoured them and no one said anything about the sprinkled ground flax seed on top, the oatmeal within or the lack of "real" sugar.  It helps that these were in muffin form...I'm beginning to think I could feed them anything in muffin form!

One step closer...that's my every day outlook for this change.  Every day is one step closer that turns this into a lifestyle for all of us.

And I promise I won't turn this into a cooking blog with recipes all the time...just when I'm in a blogging rut!

My perspective on His glory

Told ya I was trying to get into a rhythm...

We sang it in church Sunday.  Take my life and let it be all for you and for your glory.  I've probably said those words hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times over the years.  Take my life and let it be yours.  On a practical level, it's the declaration we make when we surrender to the lordship of Christ.  But there's a chasm of difference between saying it and understanding it...at least for me.  I expected hardships, tough times.  I expected to weather storms and that those storms would be for His glory.  But what about when the storms cease? What about when the waves are calm but the trajectory of your journey isn't what you'd choose?  Then it isn't so easy to proclaim loudly that your life is all for the glory of someone else.

There are so many positive connotations with the word glory that it's difficult to imagine that the unpleasant would actually, could actually, bring glory to God.  And yet, somehow, it does. Not the unpleasant that is the wretched and awful...that's not what I mean.  The unpleasant that is just not what we wanted, not what we chose.  The thing I've come to realize over the past 2 years is that the point of everything, all of it, is for His glory.  The day-in-day-out occurrences that seem to me to carry so much weight are really nothing but ways to bring God glory.

Why did we adopt?  To bring God glory. Why aren't we moving? To bring God glory. Why do we make lunches for kids in another school? To bring God glory.  Why don't we participate in our homeschool coop? To bring God glory. Why did my daughter pitch a royal fit in the store? To bring God glory. Why did I wake up this morning? To bring God glory. The end of all of it is simply yet profoundly to bring God glory. Simple. Huge.

I'm sure this is an easy topic for most, but for me, I've found myself telling God "no this isn't bad, I just don't want it to be this way." And that's when the weight of what I say hits hard and heavy.  Take my life and let it be all for you and for your glory.  And yet it's so freeing...I don't have to worry about getting everything right. I just have one goal, to bring him glory.

Glory to God forever...

A different route...for blogging

I sat down to write expecting to find my last post dated sometime in May.  I was pleasantly surprised to see I actually blogged once in August.  So much has happened that went unblogged...Jack turned 7, I started teaching and then resigned, we joined a homeschool coop and then quit, Grace turned 3, Sam will be 5 in about 15 days, I'm planning my first pre-teen sleepover...talk about writer's block.

And hanging over all this is ADOPTION.  It consumes my thoughts almost constantly.  And yet I don't think this particular venue is the best place to air anything.  Here's my reasoning.  Most teenage girls (and even some adult girls-turned-women) struggle with their mother-daughter relationship.  My daughters will probably not be an exception to this; I see it as their way of becoming independent women.  My girls, however, will also struggle with the knowledge that I'm not the original mom. They will struggle with feelings of inadequacy and not-belonging; it is a chink in their emotional armor so to speak.  When life comes at them hard and heavy, and it will, those doubts and fears will speak loud.  I don't want anything I say here to add volume to things untrue.  I want them to know they are loved, wanted, belong; I certainly don't want them to have to deal with the lasting effects of their mother's selfishness or various neuroses (more than they will from just living with me...).  So I haven't really blogged.  Haven't really put fingers to keyboard, out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

I'm going to try to get over it...going to try to work it out.

Let's start with moving...

Wow 3 bedrooms and 2 baths become very small when you cram 7 people in them.  We did what we thought was logical and put our house on the market.  After a very long 18 months with only one insultingly low offer, we took the hint that moving was off the table.  Truthfully, I've felt very unnerved by the entire situation.  Houses around us were and are selling very quickly.  I struggled with frustration at God, not understanding why  he wouldn't let us move.  And then he called me to read the Old Testament.  Actually he told me to read the entire Bible, cover to cover, like the novels I love to teach -- called me to enjoy the story of Him.  And it was there, as I began trudging through Leviticus and Numbers, that I realized the why.  When God led the Israelites into the desert, he taught them important things like don't eat contaminated meat, take care of your body this way, take care of your dead this way, etc -- all things they would need to know to do themselves, outside the control of the Egyptians they had lived with for 400 years.  In essence, He was teaching them to be a people group, a self-sustaining people group not guided by the traditions and know-how of another culture.  There was purpose in the desert time.  Now I'm not saying we are in a desert time...not saying we aren't either.  I'm only realizing that perhaps our time here on Crossfield Drive has purpose, beyond just idle waiting.

All this realization didn't answer the question of how we'd know when we were supposed to move, if ever.  And of course, the answer was in His story.  God moved the Israelites by moving himself. He descended on the Tent of Meeting, his presence visible in the cloud he used to protect the people from his holiness.  When it was time to move, He moved the cloud, setting it down in a new location where the people would then set up the Tent of Meeting.  The point of this is they moved when He moved and they moved where He moved.  Yeah...that right there...that's what I needed to see.  It's INSANE to tell people that you and your five children are perfectly happy in a house that feels way too small...or at least they think you are insane, look at you like you are insane, wonder if you are actually insane.  But I don't feel quite so crazy anymore, knowing that the presence of God has settled over us here on Crossfield Drive.  That to be here is to be where God is, where he needs us to be, for his purpose not ours -- and that perhaps that purpose is to teach us to be our own people group, our own culture, this new family knit together because of adoption.

First Day of School 2012

 It's begun!  The first day of school!  This year brings so many challenges; I now have 4 kiddos at the school table, compared to last year's 1.  The first day was good, not without bumps of course, but good nonetheless.  The girls still aren't sure how to do homeschool which provided many of the bumps.  Fortunately, for Jack this was old-hat and he jumped right in without any issues.  Sam struggled with a heaping helping of "I don't wanna" but he dove in once he realized he got the majority of mom's attention.

This was Grace's contribution to the day...her cuteness. She also worked on toddler busy-bags that I have from a bag swap I did last spring.  And of course, she drew her share of ladybugs and butterflies and tigers (all her favorites).  

Sam worked HARD today...once he got over a wicked case of "I don't wanna."  Technically Sam should still be in preschool, doing K4, but he protested so loudly last year about being the only who left every day that we decided to let him stay home this year and do a kindergarten curriculum.  We are starting the year doing the K4 curriculum from Confessions of  a Homeschooler and  will move   on to  various reading programs later in the year.   Sam is also working through Expedition Earth for geography, and Old Testament Catechism for Bible (along with the older kids).  

I honestly cannot believe that Jack is starting second grade.  WOW, where did the time go??  This year Jack is working through Tapestry of Grace, Year 2, at the lower grammar level.  His year will focus on the Middle Ages through the reformation.  TOG covers his history, geography, reading, writing, church history and fine arts.  He is working on Singapore Math, Old Testament Catechism for Bible, Expedition Earth for (current) geography, and Astronomy by Apologia for science.  He's got quite a bit on his plate but he proved today that he is more than capable! 

May is in 6th grade and Ana is in 5th grade this year.  We 

decided not to put them in public school because their academic career up to this point has been sporadic at best.  We have a lot of room to cover before we feel comfortable they will find success in a public school class.  The girls are working through Horizons for Math, Tapestry of Grace, Year 2, upper grammar for geography, history and reading/writing. They are skipping the church history portions at first.  They are also working on Old Testament Catechism, Apologia Astronomy and Expedition Earth.  Home school is a change for them, having been public schooled their entire lives.  We are working on creating independent, active learners/thinkers. We are also working on instilling intrinsic motivation and a desire to do everything as unto the Lord.  Today was a good first day for them!

The Road of Adoption is Never Straight

I wrote this about 2 weeks after meeting Juanzarian.  Ultimately, CPS decided that because of his past and the burdens left to him to carry, our family was not a good match -- a devastating blow to all of us.  He's still there, in foster care, waiting for a forever family.    


Alternately titled "How Juanzarian Changed My Life"

It was raining that day, February 4th. Not cold wintery rain but Houston-muggy rain. The kids were at my parents' house for the weekend, typically a time for a mini stay-cation for us. Not this weekend though. This weekend we were too nervous, too anxious, too everything and anything to do much marriage-dating. We pulled into the parking garage, following the "Adoptive Parents" signs and it was there I thought my heart was going to finally break free from the rib cage holding it in my chest. I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to go, couldn't go, but didn't know why. Thank God for strong husband with strong hands and strong leadership. Without him I'd probably still be sitting in that van.

We made our way through the check-in and sat through an expected and very typical orientation, as if anything said could "orient" us to what was about to happen, could prepare us for what we were about to experience. Then we were escorted to the 5th floor. I'll never forget that elevator ride, trying to hide my nerves from all the staff faces around me. When we entered the conference center room, there were children as far as the eye could see. In hindsight I'm sure there were only about 100 kids present but it felt like they were everywhere, crawling over everything. And not one of them fit our picture of the child we wanted to adopt. So, I thought, this is what an adoption fair looks like. I wanted to run from the room.

We took a lap, as if we were shopping, searching for anyone that might be a good fit for our little family. Oh, the arrogance of that moment. It makes my eyes sting, the stench of it all. Finding ourselves again in the back of the room, I tried to pick a fight with Luke, tried to prey on his natural shy disposition. I hoped if I could rattle him enough he'd let me leave...and then it'd be his fault. He's too wise for me. Calming my nerves, brushing down my feathers, he took the lead and sat me at a table with two 8 year old little girls.

I can do this. I can love on these kids and with no intention of adopting them. I can be Jesus with skin on for a few hours. No problem. So I took my adoption hat off and stuffed it in the bottom of my purse, fully intending to leave it there for the remainder of the day. I made bookmarks, took silly pictures, played CandyLand. And I relaxed. I began to breathe again.

They caught my attention with their running. Those two little boys, younger than Jack I thought, giving that poor clown more than he could handle. I can tame them, me the little-boy-whisperer. The little girls had scampered off to find more things to do and hadn't invited us to follow so we ventured to the clown. Maybe they can be ours, I thought. So I began to watch, began to interact.

I don't remember when he sat down, not the exact moment anyway. I remember him being there, all of a sudden, close, purposeful. But I need to focus on the little boys I remember thinking. All I could hear was a direct command to talk to him, all I could feel was a tug in my insides toward his direction that was so distracting I was having difficulty holding a conversation with Luke. So I spoke first. All niceties and pleasantries. How old are you? What grade is that? Do you play football? Basketball? I thought it would be quick. We'd chitchat and he'd leave and that would be it, that would be the extent of our commitment to one another. That tug wouldn't stop, that connection wouldn't let go. Soon I realized that Luke had been sucked in and then I looked up to find that the little ones I'd been watching were gone, lost in the crowd. And yet there I sat, talking and listening and falling in love with this man-child.

He left to claim a door prize and I looked at Luke, square in the face. I don't remember what we said but I do know there weren't many complete or even comprehensible sentences. We both knew. He was the missing piece. Our world had been flipped upside down, shaken wildly, while we sat watching a grown man juggle. Luke sought out the case worker and I stayed in my spot, worried that if I left the connection might be lost. Thank God he came back. Thank You God, he came back.

We spent the rest of the afternoon with him, playing games, building towers, watching a magic show. We encouraged him, loved on him, talked about him and us. We made the necessary arrangements to move forward with his adoption. We didn't want the end to come. But came it did. I held out my fist, a lame way of looking cool. And he hugged me. And I thought I might breakdown right there. He hugged me. And then he was gone.

I sat in my chair, soaking in the realization of what had happened in those four hours. And it was then the veil was completely lifted and I saw for the first time the very thing of which I had been a part. Luke and I began to talk, began to wonder. Where is the church? In all of this -- where were we? In our effort to pursue holiness we'd forgotten them. God have mercy. Oh the emotions that flooded. The realities that rushed in...I'm not sure I can ever explain them all, as they deserve.

In the days that followed I wept. For my arrogance -- as if I could chose the child. Didn't I know they were choosing as much as I was? For my disobedience -- we'd been called 18 months earlier to adopt an older child. And we'd ignored that calling, listening instead to the well-meaning but mis-guided, convincing ourselves that older children would harm our bio-kids. And all the while, our potential son sat in foster care waiting to be adopted. For the ones I couldn't take -- for the other 99+ kids there and the other 1900+ kids in the area, just like him who desperately need a home. I will never ever be the same. Those kids, they stole my heart. One boy, trapped between man and child, grabbed hold of my world and shook. He wrecked me forever and I thank God for that.

This isn't where I thought we'd go. This isn't what I thought our family would look like. But I am so glad His ways are higher than my ways, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I'm so incredibly blessed that in my disobedience He still used me, still pursued me, still provided a way I could get back to what he wanted for me.

I used to think that adoption was a destination -- an end. That the waiting and paperwork and training were the journey that lead to completion of our family. Now I'm not so sure. Now I think adoption is, itself, the road; it is the journey. This road of adoption hasn't been straight. But the twists and turns, the curves and bumps and wash-outs have been worth it. I can't trade what I've learned, what I've gained. This ride has been wildly beautiful. And as far as complete? I'm not sure family is ever complete. It always has room to grow.

The girls are here

I know most of you know this but for posterity's sake and to cover those who may not know...our daughters are here!  April 28th, two girls named Malayasia and Analeah, moved into our home to become a part of our family -- forever! I've had a wicked case of writer's block since they arrived, primarily because I'm worried I'll share too much.  The girls are older and so it feels like there is a difference in what I can share. I don't know if that's true, but the thought of it has dammed up any writing I might have been doing.  I'll try to share, here and now, enough to answer some questions.  Consider this my metaphorical toe-dipping into the water.

 How old are the girls?  What do they look like? Malayasia is 11.5 years old and Analeah is 10 -- 5th and 4th grades respectively.  Both girls are part hispanic, part black.  Malayasia is tall -- only three inches shorter than me! -- while Analeah is on the shorter end of the growth chart.  Both girls are stunningly beautiful, with dark eyes, sparkling smiles and gorgeous curly hair.  They have cute personalities too which makes them oh so loveable!

How did this happen?  Unlike all the other kids that have some through our house, the girls were not a CPS case.  The girls have a younger brother that was adopted by some very dear friends of ours.  When we found out that the girls were looking for a home too we begin to pray about the entire situation.  It took a while to get some of the human issues out of the way but once we all moved aside and let God work, things happened quickly!  This is a private adoption, of sorts.  We already have relinquishment and will finalize on the adoption in about another 5 months (state law says you have to wait 6 months before adoption consummation can occur).  The absolute best part of this is that the girls won't leave!  They are ours, forever and ever.  The consummation in 5 months is just to dot all the legal i's and such.

How are you doing?  We are doing well.  I'd be lying if I said there isn't an adjustment period.  While that has been difficult at times, I have to say that it's nothing like I thought it would be.  And at the end of the day, it's so hard to struggle with people who crave love and affection and attention so completely.

Can we see pictures?  I'm sure you could...if I would ever take any!  Chasing 5 big kids around is a challenge!  And the girls rarely sit still for a photo op.  Mostly they are running wild with the boys and I'm lucky if I'm able to capture a picture on my phone.  Once things slow down (we are in intake mode with doctor and dentist appts) I'm going to schedule some time with a photographer to get some professional shots.

I'll post more later...just wanted to get a little out there!