As the current school year wanes I have been contemplating some rather odd emotions that seem to arise at bizarre moments. One not so foreign emotion for this time of year is naturally ecstasy. No matter how many last days of school I experience I doubt I will ever lose the feeling of knowing that for 3 uninterrupted months I am free -- from responsibility (sort of), worry (kind of) and stress. Now that I am the teacher the summer is even better -- the paychecks arrive regardless of my presence at the building. It's quite remarkable.
The two emotions that have caused me to ponder have been nostalgia and fear. I expect to feel nostalgic as my students leave my nest and move onto bigger and better things. Yet it suprises me to what extent I am plagued by this nostalgia. I am the teacher that begins the countdown for summer in August -- on the first day of school. So it baffles the mind that when the last day is staring me down I find myself wishing the hours would slow down ever so slightly so I could relish in all that is wonderful, so that I could spend just a little more time with the wonderful people with whom I have had the privilege of acquainting myself. I genuinely will miss all of them...and I worry that next year won't be quite the same. I have often wondered if those in the "professional" world (there is a difference between "professional" and "educational" -- I have never been able to understand the distinction -- am I not a professional? are professionals not educated?) ever feel the same nostalgia when a large project is finalized.
The big "F" word is the one emotion that has caused me the greatest distress: FEAR. While not a veteran by any standard, I have made it past the breaking point for most educators; I will begin my 4th year in the fall. Suddenly now, as I toss away the papers I swore I would file and now can't remember why I saved them, I am struck with an almost crippling fear. Will I do as good a job next year? Do I even remember what I am supposed to teach? What did I say the first day of school that made me so intimidating? Every teacher knows that classes and school years take on a life of their own -- each one unique and never quite duplicated. I suppose this is what frightens me most: I had a wonderful year that seemed (for the most part) to be a success -- what if I can't re-create that success?
Consequently I will do what every good teacher does...I will take my uninterrupted 3 months of vacation and willfully interrupt it with professional development, syllabus revision and course planning -- all in an effort to ensure a successful school year. For better or worse, this is the life of an educator.
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