A life painting

I wish I could paint my life in crayon -- not fancy artist crayon -- crayola crayon, all with perfect new tips each time I reach for a color. That way the colors would stay, wouldn't run or bleed into each other, wouldn't smear or smudge as I paint the scenes that are my life. I could paint this morning and then when I return to paint the afternoon all the colors of the morning wouldn't try to crowd out, or blend in to the new picture. I wouldn't have to worry about the "finished" pictures -- only the immediate would demand my attention.

I wish I could paint my life in crayon. That way I'd have precise control over every stroke, every mark. I could press down hard on the things, the moments I want to remember forever. I could lightly shade the days when I only want a tint of color to cover. I could reach into every crease and crook ensuring that the life lived, the picture created was complete, whole.

I wish I could paint my LIFE in crayon. That way any marks that strayed off the paper could be easily cleaned with a lysol wipe or a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I wouldn't have to worry about ruining the rest of the world with my colors, with my life; things would be contained. The entire painting would be clean and I could stand back at the end of each and proclaim "wonderful" of all my creations.

Rather, it often seems like I paint my life with a broad-stroke brush dipped heavily in runny watercolors. The paint oozing from one picture to a next so it becomes impossible to determine where one stops and the other begins, where I have to focus not only what I am currently doing but what I've already done and what I might do later. My brush doesn't always seem to paint dark enough on what I've deemed important and it often emphasizes the very things I'd like to forget. The paint rarely stays exactly within the lines, usually either missing the edge and seeming incomplete or running with abandon over the lines I've made. It lacks precision, control, follow through of my plan. I often step back only to have my tongue caught just short of praise because rather than seeing the masterpiece I'd imagined I see something quite different and often unfinished and sometimes just plain messy.

Sometimes I wish I could paint my life in crayon...

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord" Jeremiah 29:11