Let's begin with a disclaimer: this post has absolutely no organization. It's truly a representation of the state of my mind right now.
I'm trudging through a Bible study right now; it's titled Interrupted: Relearning the Essentials of Faith; it is not what I thought it was going to be like. But trudge I must. It's a difficult study -- stretching me in ways I hadn't expected. When I put ink to paper and committed to the study I thought I was going to be studying things like Bible study itself, prayer, fasting, etc. Yeah, not so much. The entire study is dedicated to living "missionally" -- to be focused on the "least". At least that's the surface dedication of the study. Digging deeper I'm finding that it's a study about re-doing the church -- how it operates, thinks, acts, lives (with the important knowledge that "it" is in fact "us"...humbling). How is it difficult? Superficially it has me examining my choices -- does my life actually match my words? True I'm a good person who obeys God's commands (most of the time) but when push came to shove it became glaringly obvious that my actions fell far short of what God called the church to be. And so the study has me examining everything in a new light; and I mean everything -- from my kids' lunches and paraphernalia to how I spend my "free" time to the house I own and the car I drive to my general attitude toward people. The author of the study gave up her home, moved her young family and with her husband started a church that ministered directly and specifically to the homeless. Our challenge: to determine in our own lives what God is calling us to do to "live missionally." Stopping there alone, this study would be difficult enough and has almost caused me to cry "uncle!" more than once.
But it goes beyond that...the author of the study poses some ideas and presents some Scripture interpretation that quite frankly I find wrong. It's not something I'm used to -- finding fault in a "church approved" study. Even more discomforting is that I find myself sitting in a study with other women who do not disagree, leaving me two choices: sit in silence or argue (often an uncomfortable position for me). Hence the trudging...
Where was I heading with all this? Oh I remember now -- I didn't intend to delve so deeply into the study; I meant only to use it as a backdrop, hoping it would help explain my thoughts this morning. So backdrop set -- I'm in a study, searching my heart and life for what "living missionally" means. And I'm frustrated -- telling God "Here I am; send me" but completely clueless as to where I'm supposed to go.
This morning I came across some information about an old friend who is living missionally, in a rich and meaningful way; things for me have been wonky inside since.
Brace yourself for some serious honesty -- there is ugliness here some of you might be shocked to see, but I'm trying to be authentic.
You want to know my first thought? It was, "Why her/him?" OUCH! That definitely wasn't the love of Jesus. My next thought, "Why not me?" OUCH! Straight up defiance and disrespect are never pretty nor acceptable. Hoping to avoid a trifecta of wickedness I took a break, sought forgiveness and tried to forget about what I'd seen.
Forgetting didn't work. Fortunately the prayer did. Now -- this side of things -- here is where I sit: all kinds of conflicted. Should I help in the organization? Is this the calling I've been waiting for? Or am I jumping the gun, so to speak? So anxious to do something that I'm letting my "I'll help!" attitude overrun the stillness required to wait on God? Even if it's not my calling, is it wrong to help in the interim? What if I start helping, fill with contentment of "good enough" and fail to fulfill God's ultimate plan? What if, in all these questions, I'm missing it?
Here's what I know: God is faithful. He began this strange, awkward re-working in me and He alone will finish it. It will not be enough for me to consider "living missionally"; He is requiring action of me.
My gameplan: more prayer, lots of conversations with Luke (Thank you God for level-headed husband with a heart for missions) and some more heaping helpings of prayer. And now that I've typed this out and re-read it about a thousand and one times I think I may have an inkling of an answer to my questions.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wanna hear from me?
That's why I have this blog, right? So I can communicate with my ever-faithful (don't snicker...ok...at least y'all are occasional, right?) readers? That means I actually have to communicate and boy has it been dry around here lately. There have been few interesting thoughts these days...mostly due to a lack of sleep (ahem...Grace!). I'm getting there -- I really am -- I promise. I have some more posts of pictures of my brood and I'm seeing cracks of light that indicate original thought is returning. Don't give up on me yet!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Story of Grace
I've finally slowed down enough to pen Grace's birth story. For those interested in reading it, I posted on the family website (soon to be discontinued).
Pearson Family News
Pearson Family News
Monday, February 1, 2010
Killing me softly
from 12/10/2009
Oh my little Sam man...it really does seem like sometimes he is trying to kill me. Our current dilemma -- potty training. I can't say loudly and strongly enough that I am NOT ready nor am I interested in venturing down this road with Sam yet. Like with Jack, this wonderful adventure isn't on my mommy-radar until Sam's 3rd birthday. Sam has other plans. Does he want to potty-train? Silly question -- of course not! But neither does he want to wear diapers -- ever. His preference? The large oak in the backyard. So our days are spent in a battle of wills -- me vs Sam, diapers vs naked tushie. Most days I win, most days.
I've tried it all -- rewarding going (he realized quickly if he held things he could go a little at a time and get LOTS of m&m's), allowing the outside trips (this resulted in a boycott of diapers that almost did me in), hoping he'd get uncomfortable in the mess (in case we're keeping score, no he didn't), singing potty dances (resulted in funny stares from all the kids) and promises that he would be a BIG boy (his response? "no! Sammy baby!" -- how very caveman-like of him). I've even tried ignoring the situation. Funny thing about that though -- just because you can't see what's going on around you because you've got your head buried like an ostrich in the sand doesn't mean the rest of the world is at a stand-still. Little boys make BIG messes -- even if you pretend like they won't!
I've tried singing potties and quiet potties, colorful potties and plain potties, big potties, little potties, NO POTTY, potty seats, potty chairs, Cars potties and Elmo potties. I can almost open my own potty museum.
And the result? Nada, nothing. Apparently I'm doomed to remain in this endless cycle for a little while longer. Sigh.
At least he's cute, right?!!
Oh my little Sam man...it really does seem like sometimes he is trying to kill me. Our current dilemma -- potty training. I can't say loudly and strongly enough that I am NOT ready nor am I interested in venturing down this road with Sam yet. Like with Jack, this wonderful adventure isn't on my mommy-radar until Sam's 3rd birthday. Sam has other plans. Does he want to potty-train? Silly question -- of course not! But neither does he want to wear diapers -- ever. His preference? The large oak in the backyard. So our days are spent in a battle of wills -- me vs Sam, diapers vs naked tushie. Most days I win, most days.
I've tried it all -- rewarding going (he realized quickly if he held things he could go a little at a time and get LOTS of m&m's), allowing the outside trips (this resulted in a boycott of diapers that almost did me in), hoping he'd get uncomfortable in the mess (in case we're keeping score, no he didn't), singing potty dances (resulted in funny stares from all the kids) and promises that he would be a BIG boy (his response? "no! Sammy baby!" -- how very caveman-like of him). I've even tried ignoring the situation. Funny thing about that though -- just because you can't see what's going on around you because you've got your head buried like an ostrich in the sand doesn't mean the rest of the world is at a stand-still. Little boys make BIG messes -- even if you pretend like they won't!
I've tried singing potties and quiet potties, colorful potties and plain potties, big potties, little potties, NO POTTY, potty seats, potty chairs, Cars potties and Elmo potties. I can almost open my own potty museum.
And the result? Nada, nothing. Apparently I'm doomed to remain in this endless cycle for a little while longer. Sigh.
At least he's cute, right?!!
Grace's Garden
from 12/10/2009
The pictures won't do it justice but look at the gorgeous quilt Grace's Grandma made her!
The pictures won't do it justice but look at the gorgeous quilt Grace's Grandma made her!
Christmas Party
from 12/18/2009
Jack had his Christmas Party for school (I know waaaaayyy back in December). Thought I'd post some pics of how stinkin' cute he and his friends are. Oh and a giant KUDOS to Luke for being Dad of the year -- he knew how sad I was that I had to miss the Thanksgiving Party (come on y'all -- Jack wore a pilgrim hat during lunch!) that he took a couple hours off in the middle of the day to provide an extra set of hands so I could go to the party.
Eating with friends
Silly times with a good friend
The "before" shot -- the crazies are waiting at the door!
Jack had his Christmas Party for school (I know waaaaayyy back in December). Thought I'd post some pics of how stinkin' cute he and his friends are. Oh and a giant KUDOS to Luke for being Dad of the year -- he knew how sad I was that I had to miss the Thanksgiving Party (come on y'all -- Jack wore a pilgrim hat during lunch!) that he took a couple hours off in the middle of the day to provide an extra set of hands so I could go to the party.
Sam getting in on the Christmas Party action
Jack's treasure from the book exchange
Eating with friends
Silly times with a good friend
The "before" shot -- the crazies are waiting at the door!
Cookie Extravaganza
from 12/18/2009
December 19th we had our first annual Cookies with Grandma Day. For those that don't know Luke's family does cookies RIGHT -- seriously. Didn't get to make it our wedding? Well then you missed the almost 100 dozen (no exaggeration) handmade cookies Luke's mom made in lieu of a groom's cake. To keep the cookie gift alive and well and to celebrate one of Luke's favorite Christmas traditions (and maybe to ward off a little my bad cookie ju-ju) we decided to hold Cookies with Grandma Day. The result? Tired little boys, full of sugar and Grandma's love. Oh and tins upon tins of yummy cookies!!
Jack helping Aunt Cara
Sam making his masterpiece
HAHA -- Love this man
The boys with Grandma
Jack getting expert instruction
Sam showing off the product from Round 1
December 19th we had our first annual Cookies with Grandma Day. For those that don't know Luke's family does cookies RIGHT -- seriously. Didn't get to make it our wedding? Well then you missed the almost 100 dozen (no exaggeration) handmade cookies Luke's mom made in lieu of a groom's cake. To keep the cookie gift alive and well and to celebrate one of Luke's favorite Christmas traditions (and maybe to ward off a little my bad cookie ju-ju) we decided to hold Cookies with Grandma Day. The result? Tired little boys, full of sugar and Grandma's love. Oh and tins upon tins of yummy cookies!!
Sammy checkin' out the action
Jack helping Aunt Cara
Sam making his masterpiece
HAHA -- Love this man
The boys with Grandma
Jack getting expert instruction
Sam showing off the product from Round 1
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