Update

It's been almost 2 full weeks since I declared for all the world my addiction to food. Seriously...so embarrassing. I consider taking that post down daily. I'm making some huge strides and though I am nowhere close to where I need to be I can tell the changes are huge. Mega-HUGE. Y'all I'm talking pass-up-the Shipleys-donut-for-multigrain-cheerios-even-though-I-already-bought-the donuts HUGE. Typically I would've polished those bad boys off. Can't waste food -- I'm doing it for the poor starving children who would love to have to eat those donuts. But I let them go. Huge.

My workouts haven't been anywhere close to consistent. I'm getting there though. I can at least say I haven't given up, a typical occurrence in years past. A benefit of baring your soul on the internet is that LOTS of people know...and ask. An awesome benefit, actually, because instead of having just 2 accountability partners I have several. Very very nice, indeed.

Other things are coming about because of my change in attitude but I'll save those for another post. Right now I have to go gently remind my children, for the seventy billionth time, that napping doesn't include jumping from the top bunk.

Homeschool dorks

Here at the Pearson Academy of Excellence in Higher Learning Institute, ltd (we don't have a fancy name for our "school" ... we just call it "home") we are busy breeding the next generation of homeschool dorks. No lie. When I first felt the God-tug on my heart to pursue homeschool, one of my biggest fears was creating a bunch of little dorks. Now I gleam with pride at their dorkiness!

How do I know the tides are turning? When they sang the 50 states in alphabetical order with every state line we crossed to and from Florida. When the typical "cowboys and Indians" turns into Davy Crockett and Black Hawk. When Jack declares, "Stand back knights. Let them sample my blade!" When they pull the animal encyclopedia out to choose the animals they are "going to be" while playing with friends. Such adorable little homeschoolers!

Of course just when I think they've completely transformed...I find them outside using the fort as a deer blind, shooting the inflatable target with nerf crossbows. And for them, no hunting trip is complete until you field dress the animal and bring mom the back strap.

Pure Junk

I wrote a post last night -- beautifully articulated -- in my head. And now this morning, try as I may, everything I write is junk. The babies are scheduled to leave this morning, although the inclement weather may delay things another day or so. Am wondering if quiet reflection might bring back the words lost to sleep.

It's been 5 days

Well it's been 5 days since my no-holds barred post. How am I doing? I'm doing...okay. I won't say great. Most days -- in fact every day -- I do very well with the food, until the kids go to bed. And then it's every man for himself. But I have done my exercise every day (with the exception of the day Sam had his tonsils removed...it was rough). On the one hand I'm proud that I've made some tough but good choices. On the other, deep down, I know I can do more. Forget the "should do" I'm in the "can do" but am choosing not to phase. But at least I can admit that...and I'm working on plans to change things in that department.

I haven't seen any changes but it's only been 5 days and oh my did it take more than 5 days to get this way.

You know what I'm ready for? I'm ready for the word "weight" to not be a bad word, for it to not make my skin crawl. And I'm not going to stop until that changes...

Hi, my name is Valerie and I'm an addict

I don't say that lightly, I don't use it to make fun. It's taken a while (almost a year...) for me to be able to admit I have a problem. I am addicted to food. Weird thing to be addicted to isn't it -- something I actually need to use? But it's true. I use to celebrate, lament, wallow and reward; I use it for every purpose other than what it's intended design. And I can't stop.

I really didn't want to put this here -- publish for all to see. I want to keep my shame where it fits best, hidden from public view. But I vowed to use this for honesty and openness (and to tell the truth I could use the accountability) so here it is. I hate this...HATE this. I hate admitting I don't have everything under control. I hate admitting that I'm not where/who/what I want to be. What if people talk badly about me? What if they laugh? Or shake their finger? I also hate admitting I might be more like others than I want to be. I'm different, I don't struggle like other people. I don't need to make a new goal at the beginning of the year. I'm above that... But I'm done letting arrogance rule things, so here is the admission.

I've tried so many times before -- and I've tried so many things before. And nothing works. Why? Because I've never gotten to the root of the problem...the addiction. The simple fact is that I've used food to supplant all else. So much of this hinges on the fact that I've filled my God-shaped hole with food (and the emotion that I get from that food).

Now I have to fix that. I'm going to post here as I work through this. Hoping the accountability will help. I don't have lofty goals; I've failed to meet too many of those before. You want to know my goal? To wake up tomorrow and exercise for 10 minutes. Just tomorrow and just 10 minutes. That's the commitment I have to make because that's how small my baby steps need to be. And then tomorrow I'm going to make the same commitment about the next day. My goal is to eat the next meal like I know I should -- to use the food the way it's intended, as fuel and nothing else. I can't think about the whole day -- just the next portion.

Naturally the planner in me wants to push through to the end result, to plan out menus and exercise plans and goal weights. But I'm not sure I can do that. I have to first deal with the internal, the spiritual. I have to clean the idol of food out of the temple court and work on righting all that's within. And while I do that I can make each choice about food and exercise as it comes. I'm hoping that with enough tomorrows I'll get a whole week and that with enough weeks I'll get a month. I'm hoping that with enough 10 minutes I can move to 30 and then beyond. But I can't think about those just yet.

I did my 10 minutes today. I thought I was going to vomit for about an hour after but I did it. And admitting that here is more embarrassing than you will ever know. But maybe embarrassment is good for the proud...maybe a little dose of humility is just what I need.

Follow me on the journey if you'd like...I'll be back tomorrow!

Of random thoughts and news

It seems I've almost given up writing here. I don't know why. The words just don't come. There has to be a disconnect somewhere. I always told my students that good reading produces good writing so perhaps I should read more. I'll add it to my to-do list; maybe I'll get around to it when my kids are grown.

It has to be intentional, this writing here, but isn't that true with most things? They have to be intentional. I'm learning this, more days slowly than others but learning it all the same. I have to be intentional in parenting, I have to be intentional in study; I have to be intentional if any of it is to matter at all.

The babies are leaving; sometime in the next 30 days they'll go somewhere else, I don't know where. I'm stuck trying to process it all, fluctuating between knowing it's what is best and lamenting, full of jealousy, that we are still in the waiting zone of this adoption process. Funny thing about waiting, something I don't do well, it's not a quick lesson. I know because it's one I've been trying to learn for a while now...one God won't let me skim. Just this morning my study time was "Wait for the Lord," "Wait for the Lord," "Wait for the Lord!" My response? I'm tired of waiting already! Oh wait...I may have missed that point in the lesson.

I love this post-Christmas time. It's a chance to declutter, clean out, purge all that's been taking space and attention. It, in so many ways, is out with the old in with the new. A chance to be...intentional (funny how this all came back around...unintentionally). And that's what I'm off to do, clean, put away. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow and write some more. Just write to see what comes out...

What I want to blog about...

If I had time I'd sit down and write long blogs about my daughter being 2, about her being full of fire and beauty, about Jack's obsession with push-ups and Sam's crazy way of being Sam. I'd give you updates of life, Luke's new job, our house on the market, the recent remodel work we've had done. I'd list things I'm thankful for and tidbits of cute kid talk I don't want to forget. I'd give peeks into our homeschool curriculum and try to educate about the CPS system.

But let's face it. I don't have time. Maybe eventually but not now. Now I have to actually homeschool (field trip day!), take a baby for a swallow study (Andre still isn't gaining weight), go to court (permanency hearing...that won't result in anything permanent), facilitate ECI therapy for Andrew (he is officially visually impaired) and the most exciting, start packing for our Disney trip.

I promise to expound on at least some of these when I get back -- and hopefully things slow down a bit. For now -- a prayer request or two. One would you pray that we get some answers from Andre's swallow study? Though we think he is doing well gaining weight, the doctors disagree. We've exhausted other possible diagnoses so we're hoping this test shines some light on the subject. Two -- would you pray for the court hearing on Wednesday? Pray for our favor with the court and that all involved would speak truth and seek justice for the babies.

Thanks everyone!