More babies...

From the mouth of a pre-schooler, words that almost stopped a grown man's heart.

A typical work day conversation at my house -- repeated almost daily -- in the quiet before the day begins
Jack: good morning mommy
Me: good morning Jack
Jack: good morning sweet pea/angel/baby/some other pet name he has picked up from Luke
Me: good morning big boy
Jack: mommy someone's missing. do you know who's missing?
Me: no baby...who's missing?
Jack: my daddy. he's working.

Tuesday night -- Luke was outside doing daddy things, dinner was being decided, the boys were inside with me playing...

Jack: Mommy, someone's missing. Who's missing?
Me: No one is missing baby. Daddy is outside -- he'll be right back.
Jack: No...someone else is missing. Do you know who is missing?
Me: (thinking to myself) which grandparent is he going to say is missing today? or which aunt? or which dog? or which friend? No Jack I don't know who is missing.
Jack: the other babies are missing
Me: (with a little trepidation in my voice) what other babies?
Jack: the other babies in our family
Me: Jack there aren't any other babies in our family.
Jack: well there should be. we need more babies; we need more brothers
Me: (almost choking) well tell your dad
Luke enters the room
Jack: daddy we need more babies in our family. we need more brothers at our house.
Luke: (after the shock subsided) yeah, uh-huh, okay...(and into the kitchen he walked)

Seriously -- we have no idea where Jack came up with this idea or why. He has actually had this conversation with me twice -- which is why I told him to tell Luke. I wasn't exactly sure how to respond to his comment. So far there hasn't been anymore talk of more babies since Tuesday but knowing Jack he'll drop the subject for a week or two and it will pop out again in the most random time.

School Days...

For the first time since I was 5 years old the school year has started without me. The kiddos along the street woke early, dressed in the newest and best, loaded their new backpacks with fresh school supplies (how I love the smell of new pencils!) and scurried out to meet the big yellow buses in the early morning light. And I...I worked on my Bible study, I had a cup of coffee, I checked my email and checked up on friends, I sat down to write this...but I didn't go to school!

Book Review

I've hinted recently at the content of a new book I have been reading, Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. It is about the masculine heart; written for men it focuses on reclaiming masculinity. I thought it might be helpful to read since really, let's be honest, I'm a newbie at this whole boy thing. Mr. Eldredge provides some intriquing insights into the male gender -- why they act they way they do, what they crave, etc. I don't agree with everything in the book -- like when he tells his son to punch the bully on the playground in the face. From this book I gleaned my new taggage for the boys -- my warriors. Man is made in God's image and God is a warrior -- the Israelites call him such in Exodus. As an overall review -- a good read; thought-provoking and Biblically based (for the most part) argument; enlightening for the female half of the population who just don't understand why little boys make guns and swords out of everything and why grown men always seem to want to use the water hose; a bit repetitive -- often I felt like I was reading the same thing over and over again -- I blame this on his editor; a pick-me-up for the man who is caught between the lie the world tells of being the "nice guy" and the call of the Lord to be a champion of the Faith. I am interested in reading the sequel to the book, The Way of the Wild Heart -- it is supposed to be a "map for raising boys through the six stages of the masculine journey." I'll let you know.

Next up...

I've started this one today -- I like the mini-Bible studies at the end of each chapter (about four questions, usually one or two include Scripture study) and I like the Family Focus ideas at the back -- they seem a little difficult for a non-reading kid but I'm going to work on trying to trim them down for Jack. I also like that the book focuses not just on child behavior but parental behavior as well.

Now that I'm not forced to read for work I am re-discovering my love for the written word. Know of anything good? Fiction, non-fiction, Bible study? Let me know!!!

A few changes

Some of the more observant readers of the blog may have noticed I removed the blog lists from the side bar. This was intentional and for the time being this seems a permanent deletion. Most of my friends are like me -- we love these blog lists. It lets us learn about our friends' friends; for many it offers entertainment that doesn't seem to pull us beyond the boundary of acceptable; for voracious readers like myself it offers a quick read when that's all life seems to want to allow. All acceptable reasons in my opinion. However, I worry that by placing certain blogs on the list it may be construed as a silent approval on my part regarding the content found therein. This is entirely not true -- but I can't and don't want to post every time a blog that I frequent posts something that I disagree with.


Additionally, and this is more the issue than anything else. We had a very candid discussion Sunday in Bible Study about temptation and the discussion began with a communal listing of the temptations faced by each gender. Obvious answers were given -- the ones you expect to find -- sex for men, gossip for women and so on and so forth. But something that was not said but that I have a sneaking suspicion is truer for most women than we care to admit is that a huge temptation for us to be Super-Mom. We have a deep desire to know that we are doing THE perfect things for our children. This in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It is when this desire also makes us seek out other moms who may not be doing it correctly so as to artificially build ourselves up or when this desire pushes us to seek affirmation in our choices from others rather than from God, our spouses, our children that it becomes so completely destructive. I know that I do it all the time -- organic or not, vaccinate or not, baby sign or not, which preschool, which swim instructor and on and on it goes.

My logic on the very minute change is more extensive -- things like popularity, permissions, etc all crossed my mind -- it just seemed like these two reasons were primary. This diatribe if you will is not a indictment of anyone with a blog list -- more of an explanation why mine was removed (and perhaps a little candor in a world so lacking). With that said, of course I will still check blogs; I hope you continue to read mine; if you have blog lists please keep them -- that after all is the point of this post -- to do what you have been called to do regardless of others.

He-Man Woman Haters Club

It's official. I am drowning in a sea of testosterone. I find myself singing,"One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong..." realizing that I am that one thing. I suppose I should have prefaced this post with a disclaimer: I love my boys, I mean LOVE my boys. I know that the kiddos I have been given are exactly what I am supposed to have and if, truth be told, if (and that is a huge IF) we decide to venture down the baby-making road again I honestly hope to have more sons. However, after wrangling the gruesome twosome through the delicate boutiques and antique shops of Fredricksburg this past week I came to the startling revelation that the shopping trips with mom that I remember fondly and still long for now are not something that will be repeated with my dear and dirty off-spring. I will spend time at baseball parks and football stadiums, will become adept at stain-removal and if current occurrences are at all glimpses into the future will become very familiar with the staff of the local ER. Mostly I am okay with that. But there is a little part of me that gets a little sad sometimes when the boys would rather rough-house with dad than do anything with me. I know that's how it is supposed to go -- Luke is the proper trainer for our little warriors (and I call them that with all the positive connotation in the world). My job, while also a trainer, won't be as technical because -- well because I don't have that kind of knowledge.



This ended up being a little more sullen and not quite as light-hearted as I had hoped. I suppose this last week with cows and ATV's and rocks and Kung Fu Grammy (Jack's new name for my mom since she played kung fu with him on the porch one morning) opened my eyes a little to the wonderful and completely foreign world to which I now belong. Gone are the drawers full of hair accessories that filled my youth. Now I find hammers in the oven-mit drawer and giant rocks in the laundry. Thank you God for my modern day knights, my warriors made in your image. Thank you for all the mess and chaos and noise they bring because with all of this also comes laughter to the point of tears.

Won't you be my neighbor

The Scene: Our backyard around 6ish. Luke is grilling yummy jalapeno basil porkchops; Jack is playing pirate (HILARIOUS face that kiddo makes) and Sam is hanging with mommy on the patio. Luke and I are chatting nonchalantly about the height of the grass -- it's a little amazonian since we've been out of town.

Suddenly we hear "Knock Knock"

I look to Luke thinking it's a little girl here to sell us stuff. Before I can react our neighbor opens the gate and comes into the backyard. Ginger begins barking furiously

Me: WAIT WAIT WAIT, GINGER NO NO
Neighbor: It's okay he knows me (I think to myself "you don't know HER obviously)
Luke: yeah but she gets a little territorial about the backyard
Neighbor: I have a question for you. Did you turn on our sprinkler today?
Me: no...???
Neighbor: because we are sure it was off when we left earlier today
Me: I noticed it was on for a long time...when I got home from lunch at noon it was on and then still on when we returned from swim lessons at 3.
Neighbor: yeah we turned it on to fix the brown spot we have but we know we turned it off. weird. are you sure you didn't turn it on?
Me: yeah...we didn't do it. that is weird.

on and on this goes for about ten minutes. then neighbor leaves convinced that either we didn't turn on the sprinkler for her or that we are lying, luke and I aren't sure which.

I should clarify -- this isn't a sprinkler that you buy at wal-mart and attach to a hose. This was their in-ground sprinkler system. So we have to ask: does this happen often -- neighbors turning on one another's sprinkler systems?

...

Today I wept...wept for the mortality of my son. I stared deep into the face of his humanity and wept. I wept for my inability as a mother to protect him as I should; I wept for the errs in his path; I wept for the stumbling blocks I placed in his way when I truly believed I was clearing the road ahead. And then I wept for being so human-minded -- for clinging to Christ myself and diving deep to become the mother my son so desperately needs all the while thinking that the term "primary faith trainer" meant "primary faith giver"; for assuming that enough songs and stories and appropriate cartoons would be sufficient to stave off the enemy that is hungry for my son; for praying that I would be molded but failing to realize that my son's molding would be done by The Potter not by me.

Someone called my son a sinner yesterday and while some piece of me has always known this is true to have the word said aloud struck me to my core. For the first time I was afraid for him, for his life, for his death. And then everso calmly and rationally my gentle giant of a husband gathered up my fears, wiped away the tears and refocused my eyes of the Giver of Life. The beautiful man that has grown before my eyes into a giant of faith guided me back to my Savior, back to the foot of the Cross, back to the basic truths of my faith. Thank you God for answering prayers I didn't even know I should pray, for meeting needs I didn't know existed, for solving problems I couldn't even see. Thank you for my husband, for his gentle spirit, his unending grace, his unconditional love and for his commitment to You and to our family.

This evening my spirit is raw but I have hope. I look into the glittering eyes of my son and the cold hard facts of his imperfection are present in my mind yet I can't help but glory in the knowledge that he has been called of God for a righteous purpose. My enemy wants to claim this day as a victory for himself but God will not let that happen. In my arrogance I failed to be faithful but my God did not fail in His faithfulness; He acknowledged my questions on mortality and sin then He showed me His fingerprints on my baby-who's more of a bigboy's being. Lord thank you for providence; thank you for faithfulness; thank you for new mercies each morning; thank you Lord for your infinite nature and your complexity that stretches me, sometimes confuses me but always amazes and provides for me.